Types of parenting.

[Sum1Ls]

Interesting debate. The chart is so American of the ‘Right on super parent’ variety which really grates on British ears.
I certainly agree that all children, without exception, need boundaries and I also think that it doesn’t really matter if those boundaries are widely or narrowly set. What matters is consistency. What children really hate is unfairness, so, if a sanction is the consequence of bad behaviour, it needs to be implemented (however, never threaten anything you can’t carry out!) and if there is a reason for prohibiting something, then explain why.
Of course children get frustrated, they have no power over what happens in their lives and when they are mismanaged by parents and carers their only way of asserting some autonomy is by defiance or rebellion.
I think the way parents respond will necessarily change depending on the age and understanding of the child.
A little baby cries because she needs mummy, a toddler cries out of frustration or bewilderment and needs either a simple explanation or comfort. Or, principally distraction, which solves a multitude of tricky situations. And older children need calm explanations as to why certain behaviours are unacceptable and what will happen if they continue.
Being a parent, really is the hardest job in the world and I think we all do our best.
Often we don’t fully agree with what our children do, but the easiest way is to say ‘yes of course,’ and then be firm, fair and loving in our own style.
In my family, DD is very strict about food, no sugar etc and DS is too lenient (in my view). When they eat at ours it’s a happy medium, sensible mains and all vegetables must be eaten otherwise no pudding which is alway fruit and yoghurt and then something that I have baked.
I’ve had no complaints. Yet!

[Daisy]

Sum1 - a very good and interesting analysis for children of different ages. I agree being a parent is a very difficult job, for which we have little or no training, often very little support and we don't even get a gold star when we get it right. Then we watch our own grown up children coping with similar conundrums with our grandchildren, and it can be tempting, but unwise, to offer our point of view.

I think it is easier to refrain from making suggestions or give advice to our DILs - they've got their own mums for that! - but I imagine it must be harder with your own daughters because there might be an assumption that they will follow in your footsteps, but of course they often have other ideas.

[Gemini]

It has been interesting for me, as parent who naturally leans towards the lenient side of parenting (but with clear boundries) to have DDs, one of whom of far stricter than I am, one who is less strict, although there are boundries. I often secretly feel sorry for the 2 GC with the stricter mum, but then they are very happy kids, so it must be OK!
I have also felt sorry for my other GS, who has been allowed to get away with more and for a time was not a very happy little boy. DD and SIL have firmed up, and although they will always be lenient parents, he has more rules and all 3 are happier

I think every family is different and we all have to find our own way though.

[Nana]

My two DDs certainly have different ideas from me re parenting. They both have different parenting styles to each other too. I agree Sum1 that consistency is important too. I feel so sorry for two of my GSs. They barely have any bounderies or consequences. Their mummy is a firm believer in Attachment Parenting. In my opinion it gives 'mummy' no respite. Breastfeeding to calm GS who is now 2yrs 8mths old. Co-sleeping & children thinking they're in charge.There doesn't seem to be rules or bounderies.

It drives OH mad when they stay. So much wasted food, drinks splashed about & children who don't listen. Rightly or wrongly I've started to say that it's my house so my rules. I can't afford the leather furniture to be ruined but most of all I can't bear to see them hurting each other.

They are lovely boys & can be very loving. They just need bounderies & consistency (as you added Sum1). So very hard to step back & not say anything.

[Gemini]

I think you are perfectly entitled to say your house your rules Nana, and children accept different rules for different places. Home Vs school being an example.

[Nana]

Thanks Gem. Perhaps I'm just needing a little reassurance. I'm more laid back than OH is re children, but now it's causing disagreements between us....away from anyone else. He grew up in an army family so my DD's type of parenting is even more alien to him than it is to me. They're not in any danger (otherwise I would step in).

There's lots of advice to keep out of our children's way of being but I'm really finding it so challenging with this type of parenting.

[Daisy]

Nana - children accept different rules for different situations. My two GDs 4 1/2 and nearly 8 have started trying to play me off against the other gran and visa versa. We grans have agreed we're having none of that - our house, our rules. So for example, if GD2 is tucking into her lunch but struggling with a knife and fork for some reason, I don't tell her off if she resorts to fingers sometimes. I just ignore it. The other Gran tells her not to use her fingers. I suspect they get away with kicking out at each other under the table at the other grans, but we've got a glass-topped table, so we can see what's happening!!!

[Nana]

Thanks Daisy. Love the glass table top 'twist'.

[Gemini]

Daisy that reminds me of 'Mind the paint'!
GD and GS2 spend equal times with me and SIL' s parents. They are a bit stricter than I am and care about things which I do not. The car being one. My car has crumbs, toys, books, child sized blankets, kids CDs, sometimes juice cartons and apple cores. Once in while I clean it all out My GC happy and safe in my car is what is important (OH is much more precious about her car!)
One day when GD was tiny, probably aged 2, every time she climbed into the back seat to get in to the car seat she would say 'Mind the paint' . When I eventually asked her why she said it she said Grandad (SILS's dad) didn't like her to step on the sill of the car when getting in. I told her that Grandma didn't mind at all about things like that.
Different rules for different households.
When she was a little older she once said to me, in a tactful kind of way while eating lunch 'Gran always gives me a pudding. Would you like her to tell you about puddings?'

[Daisy]

Nana - when we got this table, Oma warned us it would drive us mad because of marks etc, and in a way she is right! But it has provided so much entertainment as well. Small girls and bigger boys both aiming crafty kicks at each other don't stand a chance of getting away with it! When we got it we still had Rusty and Clyde, we hadn't anticipated having a dog Eva's size who can reach the underside and kiss is while she checks out the food. Bailey and Cooper do that even more than Eva! We didn't anticipate a certain small child enjoying making fingerprints round the chrome edge to form a pattern either!

Gem - how adorable GD offering to help you with your pudding skills. By the way, your GCs would feel right at home in my car, except mine's got a liberal coating of dog hairs, too.