Standing up for you

[Gemini]

I think standing up for ourselves is something we don't do enough. As mothers, grandmothers, daughters and daughters in law I feel the majority of us are putting others first most of the time.
This is part of loving, caring and being responsible, and I don't want to stop being the way I am.
However, for me personally I feel the time has come for more balance. Being one of the Sandwich Carers, looking after the older and younger generation, my diary is full of their things which involve me.
I do have quite a bit of leisure time, because although I still work it is only part time. I do see friends and socialise.
This is fitted around everyone else. In some ways it has to be, as my daughters work. DD2 in particular is always telling me to put myself first, never put off something to look after the GC.

In the spirit of this new outlook I have, as I mentioned in the Chat Box I told my DDs that we will be going out on Mothers Day this year, with my mum and any of them who are free to come. I don't expect them to see me on Mothers Day, but I usually see at least 2, if not all 3. I have hosted the Mothers Day gathering for the past few years, cooking a Sunday roast for the whole family. This year I am awarding myself a Mothers Day off cooking! We shall go out for lunch and all are welcome to come back here for tea and cake etc afterwards. I have hosted in recent years as my mum is more comfortable here, and its good for the kids, with toys, cot, highchair etc. I'm afraid I come first this year however . I will be back from Florida only 3 days before, so still jetlagged, and the clocks go forward the night before, so no, I shan't be cooking this year!

I am going to make time to go to aquafit classes regularly, something I enjoyed. It is my nature to help, care and put others first, but in future I am going to consider me in all of this and sometimes just say no!

Do you always put others first, or do you manage to strike the balance of helping and supporting family and having quality time for yourself?
All I know tells me most of you do not put yourselves first!

[Libra Gran]

I think that is the lament for most Grandmothers Gem, striking the right balance is difficult as times. Admittedly the majority of childcare is for youngest DD, eldest two at 14 & 12 mostly look after themselves. I suffer more from guilt for not making time to see the eldest 2 nearly enough. 3 days are taken up with T and M, plus everyday chores, walking the dog etc. I try to say no, but fail miserably. The exception being if I have made a commitment to be/do something else, or then I would feel guilty about letting someone else down. Its a dilemma at times and I will admit to occasionally wanting to scream NO, leave me alone for 5 minutes lol, but of course I don't. I never entertain mine on Mothers day, they usually invite me or pop in, and I'm not starting that one either.

[Gemini]

Libra, I only host on Mothers Day as I have a mother so need to do something for her. No way will I be doing so when I am not a daughter!!

[Plantaholic]

I must say I have never felt I hadn't got time for myself, even when the GC were small. My DD didn't go to work after she had her four children and I was only asked to look after any of them if she had an appt. I was always busy, work, Brownies etc. occupied a lot of my time, OH was content with his own company but we always found time to holiday and have lunches out, usually on a Sat. My time for myself entirely was my Yoga classes which I practised for many years. You ladies are involved with family issues more than I ever was so I am sure you do need to find more time for yourselves.

[ZIZI]

Because I work full time I don't get asked to have the children on weekdays and in fact these rarely at weekends. With my recent "wobble" my husband and I have decided that we do not go out and give ourselves enough time together outside of the house. It can be difficult with his shifts which are invariably 4am ish and he is good at lying back and snoring loudly!

We recently saw our pensions advisor and have made a decision about exactly when we retire although husband is still veering toward him going part time rather than finishing completely. We realised we have spent the last seventeen years working and working and working, most of our friends have moved away, we spend a lot of time together when we are not working and we need to change that because if something happened to one of us the other would be very lonely. So we maybe have too much time to ourselves........

[Oma]

As you know we spent 9 years looking after the boys full time and would never say no . That changed after his diagnosis and we said no and look what happened there but we stuck to our guns and although it caused trouble i dont regret it , I never have to say no now DD doesnt expect anything from us in fact she gives more than takes , and we dont have contact with DIL just DS and children so no demands there now ,
We spend all our time together and take time to see friends and go places when B feels up to it , Mothers day we usually go to DD but we have talked about going out for dinner this year to give DD a mothers day rest too

[Gemini]

It was a very good thing that you did Oma, the only thing you could do.

I think I am probably the only member who looks after GC weekly, has a parent who needs support, and works, albeit part time. So I suppose I am bound to feel I need to make a point of finding me time!

[Nanto2girls]

I never used to say to looking after the grandaughters, and would change our plans to have the girls.
Now, there are times when i drop everything if in laws are poorly.
If we are planning a holiday,we always make sure my sister in law is told, so that we are never away at the same time, and she lets us know before they make plans.
Hubby has other brothers and sisters, but they say thay don't have time or the patience, to deal with Mum and Dad.

[Daisy]

I'm not a member of the sandwich generation and only have childcare duties two days a week plus odd weeks for the GSs during school holidays. but, it's a co-incidence that Gem has started this topic today as I am feeling very much that none of my time is my own.

OH is involved in a couple of organisations which in making demands on him seem to impact on me as well. For example, if he's doing something on the computer and needs help with it (he's not a tecchie). For the last 4 weeks he has spent day after day sorting out something for one of the organisations. He's had endless phone calls and worked late into the night - one night it was until 4 am - so I have had very little sleep as he invariably disturbs me when he comes to bed. Naturally he's wanted to talk about this complicated situation as well and I've tried to be supportive, while at the same time feeling frustrated that nobody else is helping him. So I end up not doing the things I need or want to do.

Some things that have been taking up time are self-inflicted, like we're planning to have some work done on the house, and as always there are lots of decisions to be made, all taking up endless time.

Gem, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing in making changes to take some of the pressure off you, and I think I should be following your example. Mother's Day isn't an issue for us as our families tend not to do anything for it. The both gave me plants last year but we didn't go out or have a meal together.

[Gemini]

Daisy you may only have 2 regular days but I know they are long days, one after the other and involve travelling. I think you should also be making more time for you.

[Daisy]

Gem - thank you. I know you understand.

[Oma]

Although I wouldn't have missed it for the world when we had both boys from 7 am till 6 pm everyday I did feel my life had been put on hold , J had just started school when O came along so had no break and had both at tea time when picked J up , this is why I got into the habit of doing all my work first thing so I had time for the boys all day , I now wonder where I found the time to do things like having hair cut or go shopping for clothes or just some me time .

[Daisy]

Oma - you were a wondful gran to have done so much for your grandsons. And I know you didn't grudge them the time but you certainly put your life on hold.

[Gemini]

I don't know how you did it Oma. I know you were younger, but it was an awfully big commitment!

[Glammanana]

We have always had our DGCs from when they where babies when DD went back to work,they arrived Monday evening and we had them until Wednesday evening this carried on until they went to school nursery and then added to when their other siblings arrived,we had a fully kitted out bedroom for them and all the equipment which you could imagine,it carried on from there to school runs and sports training after school,John and I shared the pickups as he worked shifts and was always glad to help with the boys,he called a halt when Abigail started ballet and insisted it was a nanna thing to do the drop off and collection lol.I don't know how we managed it really looking back there where never enough hours in the day but we have enjoyed every minute and have well grounded children due I think to the input from extended family.We will be going out on Mothers Day with the whole family,by the way what date is it this year ladies.?