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Exes, friend or foe?!

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    Exes, friend or foe?!

    At our age many of us will have exes, or our OHs may have them.
    If you have them do you get along well with them, tolerate, them or avoid them like the plague???

    I was married for over 30 years, and luckily have good a relationship with my ex husband. He and my OH get along very well, as do his OH and I. My only other OH is in America. I am unlikely to ever see them again, so neither will OH meet them.
    My OH is on good terms with exes. I know this is a good trait. However I am the jealous type (not to mention the hypocritical type, as she is fine with my ex!) I accept they exist but I don't want to see them! My argument is my ex is the father of my children and grandfather of my grandchildren. Its vital we get along for the family's sake. If we didn't have any, I doubt we would see each other, we would just drift apart.
    OH and I are buying a house to rent. We have little income now and this would provide some. OH has been wanting to do this for a while now. A friend of OH's had the same idea and they decided to buy one together. Half the income, but also half the outlay. OH and I will co own her half, and if anything happens to her, her half becomes mine. They have known each other a long time, and trust each other, as you have to to go into something like this.
    The downside, for me is that this person is an ex of OH. Many years ago, and only for 3 years. They lived together though and it was very serious at the time. OH cannot understand my problem with exes. I can't get it out of my head that she is an ex. Of course, the fact that she is tall, slim and 9 years my junior doesn't exactly help! I know OH has no interest in the ex, and I presume ex has no interest in her. Ex left OH many years ago, and atm is seemingly happy with a partner of 2 or 3 years.
    I was of course consulted about the house purchase. OH knows I wish it wasn't with this person but I accept she was the one able to do this. I don't like her much a person either! She irritates me, but of course I can't know if I would feel the same if there wasn't history! (Although she actively dislikes cats and children, I am never going to get along with someone like that )
    “A grandchild fills a space in your heart that you never knew was empty.” – Unknown

    #2
    Can't add much but it must be a difficult situation for you when your OH is buying a house with her ex. I think I would feel uncomfortable with this. I wonder how your ex OH's new partner would feel if you were joining forces with him to buy a house
    What is life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare

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      #3
      Complicated Gemini, having not been in this situation I cant give advice but I would feel like you I think its a difficult for one for you, I would be always thinking does she still care for her I could open a book of worms so going to shut up maybe when you have a forthcoming event you will feel more secure

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        #4
        Not having an ex OH, neither has hubby, I can't really comment.I am in the same mind as Plantahloic though, I would feel uncomfortable if I was in your position.
        3 of hubby's siblings are divorced,and not one of them gets on with their EX's.I have heard some get along with their EX better after divorce than when they were married.
        Sometimes I forget to like posts,but that doesn't mean I don't like them.

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          #5
          Gemini, I haven't been in an ex situation either, so I can't really know. However, my thought is that there must be some reason why this person is your OH's ex. Something went wrong with the relationship at the deepest emotional level, but your OH and her ex get on ok on a superficial level. They have a reason to be friends with each other (the house) as indeed you have a reason to be friends with your ex (your children and grandchildren). I know this is a logical view and emotions are anything but.

          Nanto2girls, one of my DIL's parents are divorced and both have remarried. The four of them get on extremely well, even to spending time together at Christmas etc. The two wives sometimes shop together, and if you didn't know differently you'd think they were just two couples who'd been friends for years.
          "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognise how good things really are. "

          (Marianne Williamson)

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            #6
            Oh Gem that's awkward for you and hard to deal with, but you can't change the situation, you just have to trust.
            Years ago I happened to work at the same supermarket as my Hubby's ex. Who, by the way has the same name as me ! I was actively nice to her and would sometimes have a coffee with her. There was no way she was going to intimidate me, so I got in first, whether she liked it or not. It was years, before I was happy that he was saying my name and not hers.
            Funny aren't we, us women.

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              #7
              It must have been awkward for you,having the same name as her grannyjules. Changing tack slightly, when one of hubby's brothers got divorced, about 13 years ago, I felt really off towards towards his EX. I know she hadn't done any wrong to me, but I knew what she had done to my brother in law. We spoke last year for the first time, but things were very strained, more on my part than hers.
              Sometimes I forget to like posts,but that doesn't mean I don't like them.

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                #8
                Don't you just wish things were not so blooming complicated Gem Just to make you smile, my ex, of 27 years ago, is moving up to be near our daughter, and is going to live in the same town, shortly, as DD and ourselves!!! Neither OH or I am very happy with this, as we will keep bumping into him (it's a small town) and if I had wanted him around I would not have left him in the first place He never remarried, and follows me around if he sees me and talks about things that happened over 30 years ago, which enrages OH

                For DD's sake it will make life a lot easier for her as EX has been very ill with colon cancer some years back and is not in the best of health and she obviously feels the need to look after her dad Bless her. I will just have to text or ring before I drop round to see her in future in case he is there. We all rub along in the sense that there is no animosity and no arguments or problems. Simply that it changes things a wee bit. I'm sure we will manage though
                Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S Eliot

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                  #9
                  Gemini remember your OH is with YOU not her ex , Having met her I have seen for myself she loves you , you only have to see how she looks at you to see that , I have two lots of friends who are divorced but are really good friends with there ex partners , they care for each other but don't want to be together one couple have been divorced for 20 plus yrs and are with other partners now like you and your OH . I can see how difficult it must be about the house though cant say I would be happy either xxx
                  Im not fat just 6ft too small

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                    #10
                    It is quite complicated Gemini and you have my sympathy. Some of us are more jealous than others, but as you realise the fact that they are buying a house together means just that no hidden meanings x
                    A day without wine is like a day without sunshine....

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Husbands ex aka as "the other mother" and recently "Blanche" for some reason by the kids is a royal pain in the wotsit however I grin and bear it when we have to be in the same place at the same time. I truly cannot stand the woman or her OH and, yes I know this is b/tchy, I cannot understand how my funny and intelligent husband could ever have had any fun with her. Her Husbandis much younger than her and all heis interested in is anything to do with cars or football. He is not in the least bit interested in the GC and she isn't much either. One of my exes is somewhere in America and I haven't seen him for forty years and another is long dead, the chap I lived with for a while before husband now lives in Cornwall and we FB sometimes and do Christmas cards - it wasn't really a romance, he needed somewhere to stay between flats and he moved in and it sort of developed into a relationship and then went flat.

                      I think I would find it difficult to deal with your situation Gem althiugh I am not naturally a jealous person.

                      The other mother is not someone I am jealous of as I detest the way that she walked away from the boys when they were little. When we are in the same place she constantly goads me with tales of when the boys were little and the places she and my husband used to go. Sometimes I want to smack her but so far,thirty something years down the line, I have resisted the temptation.
                      If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thanks for your stories everyone. I hope your ex moving closer won't present any problem for you, Elisi.

                        Thank you in particular for your kind and wise words Oma and Daisy.

                        I know it is my problem, and I need to think of her as OH thinks of her, as a friend. To me she is ex not friend, but that is just to me!
                        It helps me to know that many of you would find my situation difficult! OH can't really see why anyone would. Merely to know that many of you would helps, immensely
                        “A grandchild fills a space in your heart that you never knew was empty.” – Unknown

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Interesting reading. To be honest I don't even go there anymore. I've worked so hard to forget his cruelty.x
                          "Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them....your smile, your hope, and your courage."

                          (Doe Zantamata.)

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