Two Sons One Caring and One Disinterested

[Bizzy Lizzy]

DS1 lives on the other side of the world but makes time to keep in touch regularly with long Face Time calls and lots of emails. He always asks how we are and is genuinely interested in the answer.
DS2 lives five minutes away and doesn't really bother with us at all. No phone calls, visits only on birthdays (DH's and mine) and Mothers/Fathers Day. He does appear from time to time if he wants a favour but mostly now that is done by email. When I do speak to him on the phone I have the feeling that he is talking down to me, he can seem very patronising.
Do other GRU-ers have this problem and if so how do you cope with it. It is hard not to resent DS2 but I have never said anything to him about my feelings. Neither DH or I would ever put pressure on him to come to see us as we feel that is emotional blackmail and also if he doesn't come without pressure what is the point? Should I speak out though?

[Oma]

BL my D'S is the same it can be weeks in between visits , Then he says hes coming and doesnt ,when he does come I have to ban him bringing his phone into the living room or his head is in it all the time , never asks how his Dad is only interested in himself and hardly listens to what we have to say , Never visits OH when he's in Hospital in fact he doesn't know half the time as I don't tell him , if he can't at least text to see how his Dad is he doesn't deserve to know .
He wasn't brought up like that ,I love him but sometimes don't like him . He's nothing like his Sister . Makes me so mad

[ZIZI]

I haven't seen my son (our middle son) since Christmas. He doesn't call, answer emails or texts not even on birthdays and mothers and Father's Day. It hurts a lot especially as he only lives a couple of miles away, I don't even have his address. We don't see the other boys a much as we used to only usually when we go over there. I think sons tend to graduate toward their partners parents at a certain time of life. Of course they manage to find the way here when they want something!

[Gemini]

BL, is DS2 much younger than DS1? Sometimes it is just a matter of needing to be more mature before they truly appreciate their parents and have better relationship.

I think as Zizi says, often it is the female partners of sons who keep the contact going . That was certainly the case with my ex's family. I remembered his parents and brothers and nephews birthdays, or they would have had nothing, and I reminded him to phone his mum on Mothers Day.

I only have daughters. I see my 2 oldest daughters regularly, as I look after their children each week. They do also make time to see us from time to time in a non babysitting way, but not as often as I would like! My youngest has no children yet. When we get together we are very close and loving, and have a good time, but we don't get together that often. They seem to see her dad and his wife more. This may be because they make more effort to invite DD or more likely, that her dads wife has a lovely son and my DD and OH get on well with him and his OH, and often all get together with her dad and wife.
I don't let it bother me mostly, but it can be hard when you see stuff on FB!

I'm sorry BL, that it is like this for you, but glad you have one loving son who keeps in touch, even though he is so far away. It can't be easy.

[Enfys]

I find now that our son and daughter and the GC are older we don't see or hear from them as much as we used to. Of course, DS is in Oz which makes it more difficult but he hardly ever gets in touch, I have to email first to arrange a time. DD lives very close but we only see her if she wants a favour, and DGD is working away and DGS is at Uni so we hardly ever see them. I text them but only rarely get a reply, usually days later. I think it's just that their lives are so busy and we have more time to think about them and to want to talk to them. I try to think back to when I was younger....did I keep in touch with my grandparent and parents, sadly no, not as much as they would have liked I am sure. However, we all get on really well and when we do meet up we can have a good time together, so I am grateful for that. We are trying to keep busy, see friends and do more for ourselves whilst we are still fit and able to do so....I fact we have just booked another little trip to Scotland next year . Chins up, ladies, there are so many of us in the same boat 🌺🌺🌺

[Bizzy Lizzy]

Oma I am so sorry to hear about your son being uncaring too. It is particularly upsetting when ill health is involved and still nothing. My DS2 was brought up the same way as DS1 but is a totally different personality. I think there is a lot to be said for nature over nurture.
Zizi again a very sad situation; why are some of these boys so uncaring or is it that they live in their own little selfish world? I agree with what you say about favouring their wife's family and that seems to be the case with my son too although he pretends it isn't. Yes again our DS2 can get in touch quickly when he wants something.
Gem there is three and a half years between them but DS2 is almost 40 and, to be honest, has always been the same now I look back. DS1 also has always been much closer to us emotionally and a more caring person. It is ironic that he now lives in NZ.
Enfys I know what you mean about keeping busy with your own life but I do wonder what will happen when we are a lot older (please God) and need more support. I was close to my Mum but sadly she died when I was in my 30s and I made sure my Dad was okay as he never remarried and become more dependent on me as the only child. Yes DS2 is very busy but he finds time to do the things he wants to do which I suppose he would do. I do count my blessing though as I have one son who really cares although he can only show it on Face Time or in emails - I am grateful that. I often wonder if DS2 has any idea how we feel but I doubt it as he lives in his own little world and we are little more than a small distraction I think.

[Plantaholic]

I hear more from my DIL than my son, she is very kind, my DS would never pop in or phone they like me to go to their house and he is then very hospitable and caring. As you know I live in an annex attached to my DDs family, although I lead an independent life, they are both very hospitable and caring.

[ZIZI]

Unfortunately my son has been very influenced by his grandmother (gone for 11 years now) and has developed "false memory syndrome". He seems to think that my mother brought him up and tells everyone that when in fact he was with her for three months when he was seven whilst I found a home here in London for us both after a traumatic event forced me to leave Bath suddenly. I phoned him every morning before school, every afternoon after school and every evening before he went to bed and saw him every weekend taking the National Express bus from Heathrow on Firday nights after work. My mother did not like me at all. She wanted to adopt him when he was a baby as I was on my own but I wouldn't let her. Old story as son is 42 now. Wish it didn't still influence our relationship,

[Daisy]

I think a lot of the time it's circumstances that influence contact with our grown up 'babies'. I see a lot more of DS2 than DS1 purely because I look after his daughters, and DS1 lives much further away. If I'm honest, I rarely phone DS1 - not because I don't want to speak to him, but because I know he's very busy, works long hours and has a 3 hour daily commute.

Looking back, I still feel guilty that I didn't do more to keep in contact with my MIL after FIL died. But I was working a 50-60 hour week, running a home, bringing up a family, and collapsing into bed exhausted every night, promising myself I'd find time to write to her the next day. But I calmed my conscious by saying that she had 2 sons and a daughter living very close by. I still feel guilty though.

There's no easy answer, and I think our children's generation are under even more pressure than we were. All we can do when they do make contact is say how nice it is to hear from them and thank you for ringing, texting, emailing - whatever. At least there are more and easier ways of keeping in touch now.

[Glammanana]

I see or speak to my DD every day either through work or of an evening to see how her day has gone and how the DCs are,the boys are another story altogether !!! DS1 only comes to visit with his wife never on his own for a man to man chat with his dad but he will go to her family who live in the Road next to us for meals a couple of times a week he will also take his MIL shopping twice a week,when he does manage to come here he never stays longer than an hour I have told him how much his dad misses him but he never takes it on board,DS2 is similar but does manage to pop into work to see me every now and then he will make arrangements to call in at home but never seems to keep to the arrangements blaming work commitments so its not a very good situation really with my boys either,it must be something we mums have to live with for fear of unsetting the applecart if we told them how we truely felt.

[Enfys]

Well, after all that we had a surprise FaceTime call from our DS this morning! It was lovely to,chat with him and DIL and to hear all their news. Just a little time but it made my day.

[Gemini]

Hooray!

[Daisy]

Enfys - how lovely.

Zizi - I meant to add to my previous post, I bet your son's 'false memory' was generated by your mum and the things she said to him during that traumatic time.

[Gemini]

Yes, I think that too Daisy.

[ZIZI]

I have no illusions about the situation . Husband and and I were talking about it this evening. I have had tears as usual. You cannot change someone's impressions once they are there however much you know the truth. You just have to hope that at some point that person remembers and realises that they actually had a very nice life and how much the parent(s) love them and have done for them in the past.

I can't begin to tell you how hurt I am with the situation and how I know I will run into him at Christmas (or sometime) and have to put a fixed smile on without saying anything to upset the apple cart. I have probably said too much now.....