The sandwich generation

[Gemini]

Are you one of those? Helping with your grandchildren, but also with elderly parents or in laws?
I know there are members here in this position, some of who are very involved with both generations.

I myself am in that position.
I look after each of my 2 grandchildren once a week, and various weekends over the year. As I have no sibling to help me, it is me who assists my mother, aged 86.
She lives 3 miles from me. She is still in her own home, and is fairly self sufficient within her home. OH and I help her with some bigger jobs around the house and garden, and we are lucky in her having a lovely neighbour who cuts mums lawns when he does his own, and won't take any payment!
I take her shopping and out for coffee each week, and visit her at least one other time during the week. I do her banking as I have power of attorney. I order and collect her weekly talking books from the library, order and collect her prescriptions, make her dental, Drs, and practice nurse appointments, and take her to all of those. My 3 DDs do help a bit, but I don't expect them to do much, they are young and 2 of them have their own children. When I go on holiday they step in and do what I would do, which is a great help.

It works well, mainly because I have my own business and work part time, so I can fit my work around the needs of both generations!

[Nanto2girls]

Our youngest GD is 12 now, so doesn't need as much looking after, as she says.But I am very involved in looking after elderly parents, well hubby's parents actually.Hubby's sister helps a lot as well, but none of the other siblings do much.They will visit, but if you mention such things as hospital appointments they don't want to know.Their excuse is well we don't have time with working.
It's got to the stage now, where myself and SIL do everything that needs to be done, learnt not to expect any help from the others.
If one of us is planning a holiday we just make sure we aren't going to be away at the same time.In fact, we have a good routine now, and things tend to run smoothly.

[Elisi]

Well, Nan, it seems, despite their reluctance, you cope admirably well and all power to you for being there for them

[Oma]

We had this before FIL passed away we had the children but did as much as we could to help MIL like collecting stuff from chemist taking her shopping helping to wash and clean FIL etc but the bulk of the care and running around fell on my Sister in laws shoulders as she lives on her own just across the road from my in laws . Trouble is MIL is a very hard woman to get on with and at the moment she is running my SIL ragged and being very demanding , she was unwell for a few weeks and SIL was making her meals doing her shopping cleaning and so on and working full time too , now MIL is refusing to do anything for herself she isn't even making the bed she`s waiting till SIL goes before work to make it , she`s 81 but a very fit 81 she can run up the stairs quicker than me , so we had a talk and we have all agreed to stop doing anything so she has to get back into a routine . SIL told her the other day she didn't have time to go for milk and bread for MIL before work so she had no choice but to go herself the local CO OP is no more than 100 yrds away so no excuse , she wasn't happy but she did it

[Libra Gran]

Did used to have to run between Mother and the grandkids,but now I'm just a slave to my Grandbabies.I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Nana]

Count me in on the 'sandwich'. 😍

[Daisy]

Jean - I'm sure it will do your MIL good to have to think for herself and get out and shop, etc. Eighty-one isn't old these days!!


My mother was 70 when my second son was born, so by the time she needed care in the last 6 weeks or so of her life my sons were teenagers, so apart from the travelling every day (she lived about 70 miles away) it was manageable. I don't know how long I could have kept up the punishing schedule though. I was working full-time, and going straight up to Mum's every day after work, back again, doing lesson prep and marking when I got back home and fitting in household chores first thing in the morning before going to work.

My MIL lived in North Wales and had her eldest daughter and youngest son living nearby. I often wished during her last 5 years that I could have had her to stay with us just to give her a change of scenery but she was tall and heavy and I couldn't lift her (she had had a stroke) and there was very little help available if you were just a temporary carer.

[Nanto2girls]

Good heavens Daisy, you must have been shattered.Didn't her daughter and son help out.

[Avo]

Was in this position until last year when MIL passed away.... and had been for a while with both our Mum's in the same 'home' which was convenient because we could visit
both at the same time. Glad that time is over for us - we can concentrate on the grandchildren.

[Gemini]

I know what you mean Avo, we certainly don't wish our parents or in laws away, but being able to give priority to your grandchildren must be good. My mum had neither parents nor in laws when her GC came along, so she has never juggled in this way!

[Nanto2girls]

It's not too bad for me, now the GC are grown/growing up, but I'm pleased I had time for them before in laws became so reliant on us.

[grannyjules]

Just finding it all a bit hard going this week. It's been a year that Mam has been on her own. She's doing really well, just her knees letting her down. She does all her own housework, but just needs taking out to appointments. I've seen her three times this week and had lunch with her , and still feel guilty that I can't always stop for a cuppa. Hubby retired last July and still trying to workout were I should be.
When is it ever going to be My Time. there's always someone wanting me or needing minding or taking somewhere. I still can't say "NO", and don't really want to. But this week it's just too much. I need time for my tears too, but can't seem to fit them in. Argh!

Sorry I just needed to get that out. I'm in a right arsey mood

[Enfys]

GJ, I really feel for you having been in a similar situation myself. I think we all need to learn to say "no" sometimes however hard it seems, you need time to recharge your batteries and just be yourself. I think we sometimes spend far too long trying to be all things to all people and it's just not possible. I hope you can take some time out, not just for your sake but for everyone, it's no good running yourself into the ground because then you'll be no use to them or you. Take care and look after yourself x

[Daisy]

GJ - although I'm not in a 'sandwich' situation, I really do sympathise. It seems as fast as one 'problem' is resolved another appears, and I wonder when I can ever get time just to 'be' instead of rushing from one thing to another.

This week was bound to be hard for you and I'm sure all you really wanted to do was be quiet, think about your lovely dad and remember him, oh, and maybe have someone think of you for once. Big hugs. xx

[Clover]

I'm in the same position as Daisy but I do sympathise Jules.You certainly need your own time even if it's just to go to an evening class or doing a hobby.