Women and safety

[Daisy]

The awful, tragic case of Sarah Everard has probably stopped us all in our tracks. How can such things happen, how on earth do her family and friends cope with her (probably violent) death - I honestly have no idea. I can't even begin to imagine. It's heartbreaking.

But it brings back into the news how fear rules so many women's lives, whatever their ages. I bet most of us think about things that never even crosses most men's minds, and it's so ingrained that we don't give our fears conscious thought. Trying to cope with them just becomes second nature.

How many of us have, say, got on a bus or train and automatically chosen a seat next to another woman, rather than one next to a man, even though that seat is closer, more convenient etc? How many of us wouldn't go out at night on our own? How many of us wouldn't go for a walk on our own?

Have you ever walked down a street, glanced over your shoulder to see a man walking close behind and have ducked into a shop?

As I've said elsewhere I had an unsettling experience when I was out with Eva last week. So many people have told me I shouldn't walk her on my own - including some of you lovely ladies, who I know are only concerned for my safety and Eva's and I love you for it. But - why should we have to restrict our lives in these ways, and if anything positive can come out of this appalling attack on Sarah Everard I would hope it would be a massive sea-change of attitude to the freedom women have in their daily lives.

I'm not a man-hater, or anti-men, and the vast majority would never dream of attacking or threatening a woman, but how have we got to the stage where the fear of men when we're out and about is so rife.

[Oma]

I have always worried when DD is walking the dog , I hate her being out alone ,
I don't think this is a modern day thing either ,

My mother told me that during the Blackout in the war there were lots of cases of Women being assaulted walking home from work etc , Men taking advantage of the dark .

As a teen I was always told if I was walking down the street in the dark wherever possible walk in the middle of the road then if anyone came out of the shadows you have a better chance of seeing them and running .

Women should be able to walk wherever they want safely but that is never going to happen no matter what , there will always be that element of society who will be dangerous

[Gemini]

I totally agree with you Daisy. This is such a tragic case.

Like you I have felt unnerved by or avoided being near men when alone. I won't walk alone even during the day unless it is a place with a lot of other people about.
Most men are lovely. I am fortunate that all men I have been closely associated are lovely, gentle, caring men who would harm no one, and respect women.

Sadly as we well know that is not always the case. Why should we change our behaviour to avoid being attacked or worse? But then what is the alternative?

[Daisy]

Gem - it's a huge constraint on your personal freedom feeling unsafe walking on your own even during the day. As you say, most men are lovely, gentle and caring and do respect women. And it's definitely not your fault - it's the way society hasn't addressed the problem.

Oma - yes, the War didn't bring out the best in everyone, and I think we were all warned about things like walking in the middle of the pavement. We shouldn't be putting up with a culture where you worry about your DD walking her dog. It's got to change. But, like you, I've no idea how that can be made to happen.

But things CAN change. Other things have changed for the better. Just some small examples - how many of us would now get in a car and not do up our seat belts, who would go into a shop/cafe/pub/cinema or theatre now while smoking a cigarette, who would drink and drive, how often do you hear workmen wolf whistling young girls, how many men in the workplace would touch a female colleague, or even worse, pat her bottom. All these things have changed for the better.

Nothing happens overnight, but it's sad is half the population (female) puts constraints on their lives because of a worry about the other half.

[Sum1Ls]

So agree with you Daisy. The view that women should change their behaviour is dreadful. And the ‘blame the victim’ attitudes that we see so often such as ‘she shouldn’t be out alone after dark’ or ‘why did she go out dressed like that’ or ‘she’s only got herself to blame, drinking too much’ put the responsibility on to women.

Indeed it devalues men, most of whom don’t rape, attack or abuse women, and are perfectly capable of self control and respecting women as well as men.

But as we all know, there is a significant minority of men who don’t and who justify their behaviour by excuses. And they are enabled by certain sections of the tabloid press and social media.

Ultimately, attitudes have to change through education and by sanction and by community pressure. Look how spitting is now rarely seen. Or how smoking has become unacceptable - both through legislation and opprobrium. Many building firms now have a policy of no wolf whistling and that’s so much to the good.

And inappropriate comments too need firm action. A few years ago we had some roofers in school dealing with a leaky roof. One of my staff, a young NQT walked through the hall and one of them made a totally dreadful comment. She was most upset. I sent for the foreman and told him that if he didn’t remove the fellow from the site within five minutes they could all go and the contract would be given elsewhere. The MD telephoned with grovelling apologies and I’m pretty sure his workforce were in no doubt about what would happen if they didn’t learn how to behave. That’s at the lower end of the scale but perhaps that’s where a lot of it starts.

[Gemini]

Oh wolf whistling was awful wasn't it Daisy? I hated it if I had to walk past a building site or anything. I found it so embarrassing. I wanted to say' You should be so lucky. The species would die out if it depended on me going anywhere near a man like you'. I didn't, of course, just went red!

You are so right about change. That is what we need to remember, things are better in many ways.

Speaking of seat belts reminds me of how I behave when approaching my car alone, especially at night and if the car park is quiet. I have my keys in my hand and only press the button when I am at the car hand at the door, for fear anyone crouching down at the other side may get in. I get in fast and lock the door right away. Too many crime novels maybe, but I feel safer doing it that way.

[Daisy]

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Ultimately, attitudes have to change through education and by sanction and by community pressure. Look how spitting is now rarely seen. Or how smoking has become unacceptable - both through legislation and opprobrium. Many building firms now have a policy of no wolf whistling and that’s so much to the good.

Sum1, in my opinion this is the crux of the matter. Things can and do change exactly as you say. The issues need to be aired comprehensively and over time, and the media could play a huge role is raising awareness of the levels of fear many women experience day in, day out.

Gem - I would love the world to be a safer place where all women feel confident and safe when they are out, day or night. I hate the way the incident last week made me feel, and I feel ambivalent about taking protective steps (the whistle and spray) - I shouldn't need to!

[Plantaholic]

Oma, When I was a teenager and had to walk down our unlit road. I always walked in the middle of the road. My GD's always got taxis when coming home late, dear dad paid for them. I know we shouldn't have to but there are always going to be people who are looking out for an opportunity to attack a lone person and no education is going to change that. We have to take the initiative and take steps to protect ourselves.

[Nanto2girls]

I would never venture out in the dark on my own.

[Daisy]

I've just found this information about safety features on mobile phones. I knew I could make an emergency call from my iPhone, but didn't know how to do it! The Siri option sounds the easiest way of alerting someone from my phone, and I have got emergency contacts set up in case I keel over in the street or something.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-56373292

[Sum1Ls]

[Daisy]

Sum - this is so true. Ideas exist in language and the language we all use influences people's perception and ideas, becoming a vicious circle.

[Lizzie48]

I am just listening to Jeremy Vine about the safety for women, some interesting idea's.

[Daisy]

What did he say, Lizzie?

[Lizzie48]

I think more of all we know, don't go out alone etc, pepper spray should be allowed, get children from a very young age warned and trained to react if it happens, his eldest daughter was 18 yesterday and he was saying it is very a very difficult situation.