How you adjusted to being a parent

[Gemini]

In particular how did you make new friends?

Did you already have friends, or family members with children?

Did you join groups to make new friends?

Were you lonely?

Lizzie had a particularly difficult time in a new country, and I'm sure she will tell us about this.

I went from being a student in London with a lovely social life and lots of friends to being a new mum in my in-laws 8th floor flat in Middlesex. Many many miles away from my family and friends.

When the baby was 5 weeks old we moved to Sussex. We knew no one and there seemed to be no groups for babies and parents. Weekly shopping, the launderette and baby clinic were my only outings.
As I am sociable by nature, and was only 21, it was hard and I was lonely.

We moved to York when DD was 10 months old and bought our first house 6 months later. My friend C had a 2 year old so I got together with her and her mum friends occasionally.
I joined a toddler group and made friends and of course my mum and dad were here.
When babies 2 and 3 came along it was much easier. Baby and toddler groups were plentiful and I had friends.
I met my friend M when I took DD2 to a toddler group and we remain good friends to this day.


We didn't have the advantage of an online life, so it could be very isolating for new mums living far from family and a support network.

[Oma]

When I had DD we lived with my Mother and Sister so I had all my family around me Bs family were near also ,
Then when I was pregnant with DS we moved into the house next door to my oldest sister ,
lived there about a year ,
When DS was 10 month old we moved to Washington to a big 4 bed house ,
From the first day we moved in I knew it was a mistake I hated it ,

Old Washington was lovely not so much the new part ,
We had limited bus service only one bus a hour to get anywhere you walked or waited for a bus if one turned up at all .
To get to my mothers I had to get myself DD Baby and pram on and off 3 Busses ,

I knew no one , no baby groups near, DD was at school then DS in Nursery B was working all hours to keep the roof over our heads and I was for the first time in my life away from my family and spending what seemed vast amount of time alone.

I used to sit and cry for hours on my own I was so unhappy .
We talked about it and B said give it a couple of years see how it goes and we will think again ,

42 years later and we are still here and I can’t imagine living anywhere else now ,
I still hated the house and street we lived in for 25 years.but
once we downsized and moved to this house 18 years ago I’ve been so happy to live here.

My saving grace was starting back to work , Thats where I made a lot of friends
Other mothers with small children moving into the area and starting work ,

The Newtown has grown over time and now there are lots of places for new mums to join in and make friends
get together and socialise,

But I believe in fate if we hadn’t moved here DD wouldn’t have met SIL and we wouldn’t have GS1 so can’t be that bad can it 😁

[Plantaholic]

My OH and I moved into a flat in Coventry when we got married. His mother had recently moved back to her roots in Staffordshire and we did intend to stay in the midlands but OH was offered a lecturers job back in the south so we bought, together with his mother, a large Victorian house. I had two babies whilst we were there. Mil decided she wasn’t happy there so we found a bungalow for her and a new house for us. Whilst we were there I got a job in a nursery school. It wasn’t many years before we decided to get together again with Mil and bought this bungalow in 1969 with an annexe for Mil. The children were 6 and 7 then and I am still here, in the annexe now. I joined a Mother’s club in the village when the children were small and had two close friends I met at relaxation classes before we had our babies. I still see one of them. I got a job at the local middle school when we moved here and worked there for over 20 years as a craft and needlework assistant which I loved.

[Grauntie Mag]

When I had DD1 we lived in Surrey. We had made friends with 3 couples, none had children but had dogs , so did we. We are all still friends after 43 years. I never felt the need to seek out others with children.
We moved to Essex when DD1 was 2 1/2. We were members of Round Table and thereby had instant friendships which still exist today. This is a very social area with plenty going on. DD2 was born here and has now moved back with her own family (DD1 has always been local).
We have never lived near enough to our parents for a quick visit, so we had to just get on with it, and we did!

[Sum1Ls]

Such interesting stories. I was 33 when DS was born - we had moved from a small flat to the house we still live in, late Victorian and quite big, but freezing cold and in a bit of a state. It was a bitterly cold February and DS seemed to cry non stop and me with him. My MiL was newly widowed and very very needy so although she was a practical help the emotional strain on me was huge. I didn’t enjoy that first year one bit.

I got a day and half SENCO job then and cheered up a bit. As time went on and we got involved with the local community and joined things, live improved a lot. Getting central heating and a dishwasher were the highlights!

[Daisy]

OH and I were living in our second married home and my widowed mother lived with us, when DS1 was born. I ran an employment agency with a friend who had two primary age children. Her partner had two younger children who stayed with them alternate week-ends. The friend was a great support for me as I knew nothing about babies, and my mum wasn't much wiser. I found it hard to adapt to the dual roll of being a new mum and working.

I made friends in the labour ward with another mum also having her first baby and we stayed friends for years but sadly eventually lost touch through both of us being nomadic! I always seemed to make friends with other mums with similar age children as we moved around the country - neighbours, mother and toddler groups/play schools, PTAs etc. It was years before I realised most of my friends were also frequently moving house.

I can't remember ever feeling lonely, but I was frequently harassed and tired. I was always trying to cope with conflicting responsibilities. When DS2 arrived we had just moved to another part of the country so I wasn't working, and had decided to study for post 16 teaching qualifications, and life became less frazzled!

[Nanto2girls]

For the first 4 months of married life we lived in a terraced furnished house.
I was pregnant but working in a sewing factory.
The council offered us this house,which we eagerly accepted, and i finished work.
In laws only lived 2 streets away, so i never felt lonely when hubby was working.
I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Both our sons were born in this house.
We have plenty of family and we all live fairly close.
11 years after getting this house,the right to buy came in.
We waited another year before applying to buy to get the full discount.

[Lizzie48]

I moved here when DS1 was 20 months, the first few weeks we stayed at my ex husbands cousins house before moving into their old house??? It was a wooden building with 2 small bedrooms, a kitchen built on, no warm water, we had a radiator to warm it up in the winter. My ex was working away, once a fortnight he was home, there I was in a strange country, no family, on my own with my son, talk about homesick, oh dear, when I think about it I could still cry. This was a small village at the time, I walked all the streets with DS1 to keep us occupied. After a few months I told my ex if he went back to France I wouldn't be there when he returned home, I don't know how I would have done it but I would get back to my family one way or another!!!

He didn't return to France and worked locally after that, DS2 was born a year later and at the end of that year which would have been the second in that house, we got a flat, with a shower and warm water, how I coped with 2 small children with now warm water I do not know.

My ex wasn't any help at all, if I told him I wanted to learn Dutch he would say " what for? I can understand you"! By this time DS1 was 3 years old, playing outdoors all the time and met a young boy to play with, I met his mother and she was such a help to me, she said " I don't speak English so we will have to speak Dutch and you will have to learn it"! She was my best friend for years, sadly died young though. She taught me to sew as well, was always there for me over the years. Our children were the same age and got on well together.

My sil at the time has been my friend all those years, she is the one with leukaemia and not well at all at the moment.

As for children, I had to learn a lot and fast! I coped though and after 7 years got a divorce, I came to the conclusion that I was on my own with the boys anyway so got the divorce. I was in a relationship for a while after that but that is a horror story so best deleted! After that I was alone with the boys for 15 years before meeting my second husband, he passed away, young, 22 years ago. Was I happy with him?? No, he was a very jealous, selfish man, the same story, I coped.

I am fine now on my own.

The group I do coffee for twice a week help people with forms, questions, arrange things etc etc, I often think how my life would have been much easier if they had been available years ago!

[Daisy]

Lizzie, what a tough and lonely time you had. I really admire your grit and determination not to let life beat you. I don't know many people who could have done what you did and rebuild their lives like that in a foreign country.

I agree, there is more help out there these days, but sometimes it's hard for people to find it, isn't it. xx

[Gemini]

Lizzie, it is only when we look back over the years that we wonder how we coped, but we did!

I moved to a very small caravan in a theatre car park with then OH and 5 week old baby, and we stayed there until she was 10 months old. No running water so we had to go across to the theatre dressing rooms for loo and showers, and carry water across for cooking, washing up and bathing baby! I would have been horrified it that was any of my DDs, and I'm sure my parents were.

[Nanto2girls]

Lizzie, what tough times you had. So glad you are ok now.

[Lizzie48]

Thank you ladies, it would all make a good "best seller"!!!

[Daisy]

Lizzie, it certainly would, but I wonder how many people who have had it relatively easy would really believe all the things you coped with. Just one would have been more than some could handle.

[Lizzie48]

Daisy, that is true, my GPs over the years have always been my help, along with therapists etc etc, they all said I must have been strong, I can see that now.

[Sum1Ls]

Lizzie what a brave and resilient woman you are. How you coped with all that pain I don’t know. Huge respect to you for bringing up your children and triumphing over all that life had to throw at you.