Caring for the older generation

[Gemini]

I have started this thread, as I know there are several of us (Nan2, Oma, GrannyJules, that I can think of immediately) who have parents, in laws or aunts/uncles in our lives. Any new members may find it useful too.

Whilst it is a privilege to have them still (and I wish I still had my dad) it isn't always easy.
They need physical help, emotional support and advice. If you also care for grandchildren you can find your life becoming a week of caring if you are not careful!

My mum, 89, needs more and more support from me. OH helps me a lot. I find it difficult, like having a child you have to leave alone for long periods, and over who you have no real control!

In an average week I visit her at least twice and do her shopping. I order online her prescriptions and audio books, collect them and take them to her. I make all doctors and dentist appointments and take her to them. OH and I do her gardening with the valuable help of mums neighbour who does her lawns and the hedge.

One thing which we don't do and badly needs doing is her cleaning. If anyone else ever took her out for the day I would love to attack the bathroom with bleach, the kitchen with cleaning products, and the whole house with a duster and hoover!!
She either doesn't see that the things need doing, or won't admit it. I regularly drop hints that my auntie has a cleaner. Auntie's house was immaculately clean before she got the cleaner, but her son told her to get one!! It is hard as I don't want to hurt her feelings by attempting to do it. I am no BB, but am itching to clean up at mum's.

I know that Nan2 does cleaning for her in laws. Have they always been happy with that arrangement Nan2? Did they ask or did you offer?

I thought this thread would be a good place for anyone in this position to discuss experiences and problems regarding our older family members.

[Nanto2girls]

Gem when mam was 80,she had a mild heart attack(she's 93 now).
While she was in hospital, i went and made sure everything was spic and span for when she came home.
Dad asked me if i would do it on a regular basis,and offered to pay me.
I refused to do it for money, but when we are going away, they always treat us.
When our eldest bought his house just over 2 years ago, they did give him a gift of cash, which was very good of them.

[Oma]

We lucky with MIL shes 84 and as fit as a fiddle , still does all her own cleaning , shopping , painting and decorating , even though we always telling her off for standing on stuff ,
We couldn't offer to do anything like cleaning she would go mental but she does accept help with certain things like changing the bed or if its snowing we will go get her shopping ,
we do take her to wherever she wants if she wants to buy anything big like beds or take her to look for furniture ,

Martin cuts her grass and maintains any heavy work like pressure hosing the patio , She can be very difficult though and great at making you feel guilty , if she wants something done and you cant get there straight away she will do it herself then moan when you get there that she had to struggle on with it herself

If she buys anything like curtains for example then gets home and changes her mind she expects one of us to take them back , a few years ago she changed Curtains 7 times in Dunelm , SIL finally refused to take anymore back and made her get a refund .She can be a hand full that's for sure

[Glammanana]

It is very difficult Gems I found this out when my FIL was alive he had very strong feeling about having a cleaner even just a one of deep clean he would have none of it,what I did was when OH and I went to visit which we did 3/4 times a week I would make sure OH kept his dad busy in conversation whilst I blitzed his bathroom one day and his kitchen the next all done as quickly as possible.
We where lucky that OH encouraged his dad to let him in the bedroom to change the bedding once a week but that took some doing I must say,we could have done with a cleaner coming in and doing a really good "bottoming" as my nanna would say.

[Mimi]

I could have done with something like this about 11 years ago when I became the sole carer to my dad . It was hard , emotionally more than physically, but I would go through it all again just to have him back with me.
For any one caring for loved ones I know how it can feel like such an enormous task so a thread like this might just be enough help to get you through the day . Knowing you aren’t on your own will help I am sure

[Nanto2girls]

Dad still drives and goes for supermarket shopping.
If mam want/needs anything that she can't trust da to get she will ask us.
We get all her birthday cards and Christmas cards.
When she wants things like new underwear,thats my job to get them.

[Gemini]

Today we went to my mum's house to deliver and set up a new bigger TV for her. She wanted one, and needed one as her eyesight is poor and her TV has a 32 inch screen. We bought a 43 inch one. The same make LG, as her current TV. I did fit into the space, so that part was OK. However, she was set against it from the start and said she wouldn't know how to operate the TV or remote control (which in fact, being the same make is not much different to her present one)
We do think she may struggle with the different set up of the TV though. She doesn't want anything to be any different, which is understandable at her age. We also discovered that it has no scart sockets, so her DVD player, which she uses not only for DVDs but for the audio book I take her from the library would not connect.
OH tried so hard to persuade her, but I could see her mind was set against it, and she wanted us to stop faffing around and go! So, we had to pack it all back in the box and set up Mum's old TV. When we have time we will return it to John Lewis.
Oh well, we tried.
I am really trying to get mum to come here for the family lunch tomorrow. I'm sure she wont go to GS2s birthday party the following weekend, so this will be a chance to see everyone.
Fingers crossed.

[Qwerty]

Oh dear Gem you have both the patience of a saint, it’s so frustrating when you try your best and it doesn’t work , makes hard work out of everything. If mum doesn’t want to come tomorrow I wouldn’t worry it’s what she wants you can’t please everyone I think your like me you feel it’s your duty to get her there for the Easter celebration, she has probably seen many celebrations over the years and just wants to be at home don’t worry just enjoy your own family, not that she isn’t but you know what I mean

[Gemini]

Thanks Qwerty. You're right, that's all I can do xx

[Daisy]

Gem - what a pity the new tv didn't work out as you'd hoped. Would it be better with a different model that had scart sockets (not that I know what they are!!)

Well done to you and OH for trying so patiently though. xx

[Oma]

Well Gem you and Sue tried you cant do anymore than that ,
Shes at the age where she is happier to stay in but at least you have invited her , even though you know she will enjoy herself when she comes to yours if she wont come again nothing more you can do .

[Plantaholic]

How frustrating for ou both but you tried and your mother wasn't convinced. I do hope she comes to the family gathering.

[Gemini]

Well. Today my mum admitted that she needed help with the cleaning. She says if it is done then she will keep on top of it (She may, or we may try to to work on her to get a cleaner once every couple of weeks, when she will be less embarrased by the state of things)

She has agreed for OH and I to go in and give things a good clean and move some things she wants moving. I think she was waiting for me to offer, and I was waiting for her to ask!
The good thing is it is out in the open now.
I suggested that we try for a day when she can go to DD2's. DD and I have already talked about it, as a potential plan if ever I go to clean mums house.. Mum loves snooker and they have the biggest flat screen TV I have ever seen, on the wall. With mum's eyesight this will be a treat, especially with the snooker tournament coming up.. DD can work from home, so could be in another room and keep mum supplied with tea and sandwiches
I would prefer to clean with her away from the house, and I suspect it would be easier for mum too.
It's not like me to get excited about the prospect of cleaning, but this time I am!!

[Clover]

That’s good your Mum has at last asked for some help though it will be one more thing for you and S to do.As your Mum will enjoy the big screen snooker it seems like a win-win solution.How kind of your DD to accommodate her. I hope it all works according to plan.

[Gemini]

Thanks Clover.
As you say, we have enough to do and I wouldn't want to have it as permanent job. OH is already quite busy with mum's garden over the summer.
I think I will enlist the DDs help in persuading mum to get a cleaner once we have done the big clean.