How soon is too soon?

[Gemini]

I know this is a difficult question, and I'm sure it is one on which everyone has their own thoughts. I do also realise that is one of those situations where you shouldn't judge until you have been there.

I am talking about moving on after the death of a partner. I realise that everyone has a right to a life after losing their other half, especially if they are fairly young. If I died I would rather my OH find someone else and be happy than be lonely and sad alone.

Over the last few weeks I have felt rather sad at seeing, on Facebook how a friend is making lots of posts about being happy with a new partner, less than 2 years after losing her OH. Her previous partner died very suddenly on holiday abroad over Christmas, the year before last. You may remember me posting about it.

My head tells me that the one who died, a lovely lady, would want her partner, who she adored, to be happy. My heart aches though, that she is somehow forgotten so soon, and her OH has just moved on after only 18 months.
I'm sure she isn't forgotten, and it was terrible for her partner. I know I should happy for the surviving partner, that she is moving on and is happy again. I am, of course, but I'm sad too, if that makes sense?

I

[Daisy]

Gem, yes your thoughts do make sense as far as I'm concerned.

Naturally you are still very sad about losing your friend, especially in such a sudden manner.

I wonder also if you are also grieving for that couple's relationship - the two of them together. It's hard I think, to see the surviving partner with a different person. When we went to a friend's 70 birthday on Thursday there was another friend there whose husband had died quite a few years ago (we were friends with this couple as well - as a couple). She remarried about 6 years ago - I photographed their wedding for them, and it was a lovely happy occasion, and then they eventually moved away. Even though her first husband had passed away so long ago, it was still a shock to see her with her second husband, and of course, I don't know him like I knew her first hubby. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man, and our friend seems really happy. I'm pleased for her - but it didn't look 'right' somehow. btw - I honestly can't remember how long it was between her losing her first husband and being with her second one. I don't think I thought about it one way or the other - it's just that feeling that OH1 should still be around.

I don't think for one minute that your deceased friend is in any way forgotten, but I always remember another friend, who married a widower, saying that her OH had never stopped loving his first wife, even though he loved her as well. She was still a presence in their very happy marriage.

[Grauntie Mag]

We had experience of this two years ago. Our good friend died and her husband rapidly moved on with what seemed like indecent haste. As a group of friends we tried hard not to judge. Not easy. I have to say his new lady has been a pillar of support, nursing him through several illnesses and they are still together but don't choose to join in with us now. I don't imagine for one minute that his wife would have wanted him to to be alone. It just shocked us how quickly he moved on.

[Plantaholic]

I can understand how you feel Gemini, my brother-in-law, who I adored, got married rather soon after my sister died but fortunately we all loved his new wife.

[Oma]

This is a hard question as everyone is different , personally I couldn't replace B hes been a part of my life so long and I love him too deeply to even think that way , but some people need that companionship and love around them .
My Father died when he was only 50 my mother never stopped mourning him she was still a young woman but wouldn't look twice at anyone else ,
We know a elderly couple who married about 10 years ago now and they both have pictures of there former wife /husband on there sideboard , they still love them people but needed to be with someone after there deaths , they are very happy together but his wife had only been dead two years when he married again and his family didn't take to kindly to that ,
Over the years they have accepted it I think as they visit a lot but it must be hard for them too ,seeing their mother replaced so soon .

[Mimi]

It’s hard to say . I can’t imagine for one minute I would want to get involved with any one else if , god forbid anything were to happen to my OH. But unless you are in that situation how can you possibly comment?

I can only say that each person is different. Perhaps the younger the person is the more likely they are to find someone else, but whatever your age I don’t believe you should live the rest of your life lonely and unhappy just because you think it is ‘too soon’.

[Plantaholic]

Being a widow for four years, I have given this subject a lot of thought. I loved my OH dearly and have lots of friends who helped me through the low times but I wish I had more male company. I have no wish to form a romantic relationship but just be in mixed company sometimes. I must give my dear deceased friend's husband a ring and suggest a coffee but I do not want him to think I am, as the youngsters say, hitting on him. Oh I know I will take him a jar of chutney, his family love it on their Christmas table.

[Mimi]

Plant I don't think he would think you are , as youngsters would say 'hitting on him' .
I would think he would enjoy the company as friends

[Nanto2girls]

Everybody has their own opinion on this subject.
One thing i have said to hubby, is that if i go first,he must not have another woman living in this house.

[Daisy]

Plant - I think it would be a lovely idea to take this gentleman a jar of chutney. I'm sure he would be pleased to see you, and nobody wants to be lonely.

Nanto - I've said exactly the opposite - my OH likes and needs company and isn't very good at looking after himself. His idea of a meal is a bag of peanuts! Or he'll go without and wait for someone to turn up and cook a meal for him, bless him!

[Enfys]

I,think everyone is different and also, whatever we say now could change when the event actually happens. I’ve always said I wouldn’t want another man in my life, but who knows. DH has said he wouldn’t want to be lonely, which I can understand.

Whilst we were in the hospital on Monday, DH got chatting to another patient whilst he was waiting for his CT scan. This chap told him that he had a ‘friend’ who was just that, a good friend. She had lost her husband around the same time he had lost his wife, about 10years ago. Neither of them wanted a proper relationship just friendship. So now they do everything together, holidays, meals out, concerts etc but they have kept their own homes, He said they had the best of both works, companionship and their own spaces. Sounds like a great idea to me.

[Plantaholic]

I presume they were friends before they lost their partners Enfys so already knew each other. I enjoy chats with my male bowling friends, it is nice to hear their views from a male point of view. Most of my friends are widows like myself.

[Gemini]

Go for it Plant



But chutney, not jam!

[Glammanana]

I don't know if it is just me but I do find it is men who tend to meet new partners quite quickly as they just can't cope on their own or live alone,I am fortunate that my hubby is fully house trained and could look after himself very well but he would find it hard to cope with loneliness and would need the support of his male friends more but they don't help of an evening and weekends do they?
We have never really discussed this topic only in jest and have told him I will haunt the house if another female ever moved in here

[Daisy]

Enfys - I know two 'couples' who feel like the man your DH was talking to. It seems like the best of all worlds in lots of ways. Loneliness is a terrible thing.