Care Home or Home Care?

[Skye]

My MIL has lived with us for quite a few years due to her ongoing poor health, now after yet another fall which has left her virtually bedridden/unable to see to her basic needs, we are faced with the dilemma: care home or having our house adapted to her needs (plus carers coming in ). Any experience of either way of coping? She would have to be funded by the LA as she has no savings and the house is ours.

[Plantaholic]

You are facing a real problem to do what is the best for your MIL and of course for you. I have never been in this position but I am approaching that age and at the moment I would say a care home so that you and your OH can have some life together now you have retired. What does your MIL feel about a care home? also I am told by people who have been in this position that carers can turn up at all times. I presume that when you and OH want to go out you would have to have someone sit with your MIL, does she have any other children. I don't think I have been much help but I feel your health comes first.

[Oma]

Skye if I was your MIL I would want to go in a home and give my children the chance to lead there own life , but that's just me . When my FIL was ill he stayed at home bed ridden double incontinent unable even to wash himself , My MIL had no life there was nurses in all times of the day and one who looked after him at night but it was a huge strain on my MIL and the family , she never went out unless one of us stayed with him and it dragged her health down , think very carefully before you decide to care for her at home , I know it's what we all want to do for our loved ones but could you face maybe many years of care

[Skye]

Thanks for your replies ladies, it always help having other people's points of view. MIL is in hospital at the moment, but Social Services have started asking questions. She feels she would have to go into a home not to intrude into our family life any further that she has done so far, also there would be practical difficulties as we live in a house rather than a bungalow. My OH is the only child so all care has always been with us, but while she was mobile, it wasn't too much of a problem, even as understandably it's not the same as having the house to yourself. Myself I'm a very independent sort of person and would just hate intruding into my son's family life.

[Nana]

My heart goes out to you Skye. Mum isn't bedridden, insists on living on her own refusing to leave our family home. She has four carers in daily. If they don't stick to the agreed times I complain to the Carer Manager. I've always said I'd have her live with us when the time came but she's too much to handle for me now. There are three siblings but it seems to mainly fall on me. If you have other family its paramount they share as it's an enormous responsibility & can cause anxiety/depression with all the conflicting emotions.

As a family we've decided to keep her in her own home. As she gets worse, to add a Carer through the night. If the time comes that she can no longer stay at home we've agreed she'll go into a nursing home. I still feel sad about this but she'll need nursing care I won't be able to give.

Everyone's situation is different. Our own health is important, our family life is too. Why does guilt rear its ugly head, when we still love them so much & have cared for them to the best of our ability? I think the answer to that is because we love them.

I hope that you have other family to support you Skye. Take care of yourself. 😘

[Gemini]

Such a difficult decision Skye.
My dad spent the last 2 years of his life in a nursing home. My mum wouldn't consider having him at home and having carers in, as she is quite a selfish person. I couldn't have him with me as I lived in an Edwardian terraced house with no downstairs loo and the very complicated situation of being separated from my husband but my parents being unaware of this. No one suggested that I should have my dad, as mum was his next of kin and lived in a bungalow. I still feel guilty that I didn't however.
Having said that, my dad was not unhappy in the home. Mum has told me many times she won't go into one, so I just hope we don't have to make that decision.
It does sound as though your MIL is at least open to the idea of care in a home Skye..
Thinking of you and your family, and hoping you come to the best decision for you all.

[Avo]

Both my Mum and MIL spent their final years in a care home and they were well looked after. Personally, I think that we all do need 'a life' and that once our children grow up and we retire we should be able to have time as a couple which would be denied us if there was the necessity to have a dependent relative living at home.

[Elisi]

Awful decision to have to make Skye. My late mother went of her own accord into a care home when my father died. She was completely disabled with a rheumatoid disease and needed hoisting etc. My sister and I offered to adapt our homes but she said it would mean me leaving work and our home being taken over by carers, and my (late) sister had problems with alcohol, to say the least, and lived in Wales. I was really torn about this but relieved secretly as my mother and I didn't always get along very well.

She stayed in a Home local to us for 6 months, hated it and left for a Home in Wales which was very close to my sister. She wouldn't live with Val because of her problems, but Val visited almost every day and in this way mothr was assured that someone would be looking after her interests, as she was a difficult lady and knew she would rub people up the wrong way! After this she tried out a total of 7 other Homes mostly in Wales but one in Chepstow then back to the original Home near my sister and that is where she died 6 years later.

I visited 3 or 4 times annually, a round trip fo 400 miles. Ever so pleased I did this as the more people who can visit their relatives in a Home it seems to make them much easier and happier and altogether accepting. I think this is the answer Skye, for your MIL but for you to visit as often as possible.

[Nanto2girls]

Mam has already told us all, that if anything happens to Dad,and she can't look after herself, she wants to go into a home. None of us has tried to persuade her otherwise.As much as she is loved,i don't think any of us would want to take on the job of carer. I know it sounds selfish, but we all have families and most of us have grandchildren and we want to live our lives.

[Libra Gran]

Viewed from a purely professional point, a care home would be less expensive than care.It sounds as though her care needs are quite high and if it should come to needing to hoist her etc,could you cope even with extension to house.I would suggest you gather information from several care homes,visit each one to be able to make sound judgement. Trying to be your M.I.L's personal carer would be both physically and emotionally challenging.

[Daisy]

Skye, one thing I've learned over caring for elderly parents is that whatever you and she decide, you will probably feel guilt - it goes with the territory. My personal feeling is that you, your OH and your MIL should together visit various homes and find one that she feels comfortable with. Hopefully it will be close enough for you and OH to visit her often.

The reasons for saying this are - lifting and handling a person who can't see to their basic needs needs skill and the right equipment. Even nurses end up with bad backs! What happens if you or OH are poorly, say a heavy cold, which you do't want to pass on to your MIL, but you still have to care for her? Carers coming in to your home several times a day is very intrusive, and if it were me, I know I would get very tense about this. You have already done what very few women would do - you've shared your home with your MIL for a number of years, and there comes a point where you also need your 'freedom'. This isn't selfish, it's human!

A friend's elderly and frail mother had been lilving alone and eventually needed to go into a nursing home. She was a bit resistant at first. That lasted about 3 days, then she was full of all the news and gossip in the nursing home, and she had a bird feeder outside her window and loved watching the birds on it, there were lots of social events, entertainment etc laid on if they wanted to join in. The food was good and varied, and she really enjoyed what turned out to be the last year or so of her life. There are lots of positives.

Whatever the decision is, I hope it's one you are all comfortable with. xx

[Skye]

Thank you very much for all your helpful and interesting posts. We have already visited a couple of Homes and we really like one in our village, so visiting won't be a problem. Sadly short of a miracle, we can't see her being able to walk again.

[aggie]

My Jim is home from a care home , I hope he never has to go back , we have carers coming in 4times a day , I know when they are due and who they will be . In the Care Home he was clean and well fed , but got more and more disorientated and unhappy so far he is more alert , knows all the cares names and they chat to him and treat him like a person . We spent a bit turning the kitchen into a bedroom and shower room but feel it is worth it , he can just about walk from his room to the living room , but tonight I sat in his room for company when he was put to bed . We are 78 and had our 50th wedding last week

[Gemini]

That's lovely Aggie. You clearly love Jim very much and have done everything you can to help him come back home .
I'm sorry we missed your golden wedding day!!

[Daisy]

Aggie - I'm so glad Jim is home and all the adaptations you've made have definitely been worth it. It's also great that his carers are brilliant. You have clearly got an amazing marriage, and 50 years is a real milestone. Many, many congratulations to you both. xx