Caring for loved ones suffering with dementia

[Oma]

Gem
I echo what everyone says ,
She won’t remember her words or being upset , that’s left for you to feel .
I agree living a long life isn’t always the best , it’s no life to live in my opinion.

I know this will sound really awful but it’s a blessing when they go , not just for you but them also .
I hope I never live with that illness I would rather go peacefully .

We have had this conversation and I have made my DD promise if it hit me to put me in care and not to try to look after me herself , I have lived my life I don’t want her or B struggling .

You do not sound cruel or heartless you sound like someone who loves her Mum and remembers the woman she was .
You are grieving for the Mum who you have already lost .
Huge hugs lovely lady xxxx

[Daisy]

WG my family always used to tell me G lived in the moment and wouldn’t remember anything . He was always such a kind,caring,gentle man and to see him fighting and swearing just broke my heart. I lost my lovely hubby long before he passed away.

Clover, I used to think that about my FIL, as well. Like your lovely G, he was a gentle, caring man and it was so heartbreaking when he was confused and muddled and got cross.

[Gemini]

Today my mum seemed chilly when I arrived. So, once I had calmed her down from her initial upset, I suggested she wear a second cardigan. This did the trick and she warmed up.
The first cardigan had pockets, the second didn't.

I promise I am not exaggerating when I say that at least 40 times she wanted her tissue from her pocket, couldn't find a pocket in her cardigan and I told her she had 2 cardigans on and the pockets were in the lower one. She was surprised and pleased each time. I suggested several times that she tuck the tissue in her sleeve but she didn't. It was truly groundhog Day.

By contrast she can talk at length about meeting my dad, my birth, her childhood Christmases etc. A few facts get muddled in the telling and there are repetitions, but the basic stories from so long ago are intact.

[Daisy]

Gem, hard though it is for you, I'm sure telling and retelling the old memories help your Mum. xx

[Lizzie48]

Gem, it will be difficult for you visiting, a man from the gym, he is 82 years old, he hasn't been for a while, his wife has alzeimers and is now in a home here in the village. He is finding it very difficult which is understandable.

[Gemini]

I really don't mind the same stories again and again. In fact I welcome them. Those are the times she is calm, happy and most like herself. They do help her Daisy.

I must be hard for that man Lizzie. He has sort of lost his wife, but she's still here.

[Daisy]

Gem, I hope there are lots of happy memories for you as well in the old stories.

xx

Lizzie, your gym friend must be feeling lonely as well. It must be hard knowing she is still 'there' but not in their home with him. It's so sad. x

[Lizzie48]

Daisy, the man was telling me this morning that he visits her every afternoon, she is in a home at the other side of our village, he was telling me of all she has done in her life, now this! So Sad.

[Daisy]

Lizzie, it is sad, but perhaps it helps him to be seeing her every day, even if it must be painful for him.

In our last house we had a lovely couple next door, about 10 years older than us. When the wife got dementia and had to move into a home he visited every day, like your neighbour. I think he felt it was the best he could do for her. Sadly after she passed away he became ill and very frail and he too is now in a nursing home. I often walk past his house - he hasn't sold it - and try to keep an eye on it. His family stay there when they come to visit, but it's sad seeing it empty most of the time.

[Sum1Ls]

It’s the nastiest of illnesses and slowly but inexorably losing the person you love is dreadfully hard. One a week I meet my friend for an hour’s walk round the common. She has to settle her husband in front of the TV and make sure he’s safely contented for an hour. Her dear husband has dementia, he was a man who could turn his hand to anything, run up mountains and was caring for everyone.

Now he shuffles slowly round the room, never quite sure where he is, asks about people long dead and has to be guided to the bathroom. It’s heartbreaking and she said she’s said goodbye to the man she married a long time ago. In the meantime her life has shrunk to being a 24\7 carer and apart from her immediate family and me, she doesn’t see anyone.

It’s a horrible and mystifying disease, I just wish the millions poured into useless stuff like the PPE scandal and other pointless ‘initiatives’ went to research into dementia. The trouble is, that it affects us as we age, and old people aren’t newsworthy.

[Daisy]

Sum, my heart goes out to your friend, and to her dear husband. You can't help remembering the way dementia sufferers used to be and it's difficult to come to terms with the person they become. I hope she gets some support when it all overwhelms her - although a strong family and a very good friend will make a difference for her.

Does she have anyone who could sit with her OH when she feels she can't leave him in the house alone?

[Lizzie48]

Daisy that is sad! Sum, the same for your friend, so sad, don't they have day cares in the UK like they have here? It gives the partner a rest. We have a few in the area including a day farm and another is a grower. It keeps them all occupied, in fact my friend went to one a while before she had to go into the care home and now a neighbour on the first floor is going 3 days a week. As you say, it is a horrible disease.

[WeeGranny]

Lizzie, you have to jump through hoops to get any help in this country for dementia sufferers or their carers. Unless you know the system, you get passed from one department to the next and they often tell you exactly the same things and you end up going round in circles. All the day centres were closed during lockdown and I don't think they're all open again and not all councils offer the same facilities. It's a nightmare believe me! Getting a diagnosis is also a nightmare and it's probably worse now because there will be a backlog of people waiting to be diagnosed. OH was diagnosed by video and he didn't see another dementia specialist face to face to see what changes there were in him.

[Lizzie48]

WG, that is disgraceful!!! The patient and the carers don't ask for what they are suffering. The day centres here are very good.

[Gemini]

I think we were very fortunate to get my mum into a care home in 2020, a couple of weeks into Lockdown one. Her dementia has slowly progressed, but she is in a safe,caring environment.