Caring for loved ones suffering with dementia

[Gemini]

Plant, I do feel sad when I leave and down for several hours afterwards. My mum was a busy, lively, in mind and body (And bolshy!) woman. There is very little of her left

I suppose she could have picked something up Daisy.

I just have to console myself that she is being taken care of.

[Lizzie48]

Gem, it is difficult, and sad. When I visit my friend, to see her and chat with her you would think she was fine, which she isn't, the chat is a repeat of all that is said, I mentioned she had been to her sisters for a few days, she has no recollection of that at all. It does upset me and on my way home I always feel so sad for all the poor people there.

[Oma]

Gem
The consolation here is you know once you left she will have forgotten the conversation and settled again ,

Its such a cruel illness I do feel for the families of people with this ,
So hard to see a once vibrant strong person turn into essentially a child again
😢

[WeeGranny]

Granny Jules, my OH actually died from Melanoma, but dementia and CLL were contributing factors. I think the dementia side of him was the most difficult for me and the family to cope with. At least there were drugs to ease his pain from the cancer, but nothing to help his mind.

Remember to take some time for yourself when looking after your mum. It can be a difficult job.....and take any help you're offered from outside agencies!

Gem, your mum is being looked after very well and please don't take all the negative things she says to heart. OH said some very hurtful things to me, so I know what you're going through. But as DD and DS used to point out, he wouldn't remember what he'd said and I'm sure it's the same for your mum.

Sending my love and strength to you both xx

[Clover]

WG my family always used to tell me G lived in the moment and wouldn’t remember anything . He was always such a kind,caring,gentle man and to see him fighting and swearing just broke my heart. I lost my lovely hubby long before he passed away.

[Gemini]

Lizzie, Oma and WG, I agree. I'm sure my mum is OK once I have gone , I hope so. I think its seeing me that reminds her there is another world outside her room.

Clover, G was a lovely gentle man. The disease is cruel.
They say that we lose people with dementia twice.

[Daisy]

Granny Jules, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mam. (I somehow missed your post a couple of days ago). It's incredibly difficult to be the main or only carer and as others have said, I hope you can get good reliable help and support. Please remember to look after yourself as well. Sending hugs.

Clover and WG, my OH's eldest brother is suffering from vascular dementia and my sister-in-law was devastated when he had to be hospitalised and then taken into a care home. She visits several times a week, but he doesn't always know her and like both of you, she says she has already lost him.

[Gemini]

Another visit leaving me so sad and down. It will pass, and I know many have worse to live with.

I feel I have lost so much of my mum. I hope it doesn't sound cruel or heartless to say I wish she could have gone in her late 80s or early 90's, whilst she was still her. I know that would have been her choice too.
She gets so confused and upset and I feel so sorry for her.
Today she was very distressed when I arrived. They said she had been unhappy all morning. I calmed her down and told her DD and baby were on their way. She did enjoy seeing them both and got two good cuddles with the baby.
When she wasn't surmising where she would go when she leaves there she kept saying she knew we would have to go and how awful that would be, from us first arriving! She can't really remember that she lives there or even that they bring her her meals, she asked me what she had to do about her tea.

Other days are not so bad. None are easy and stress free, but I often get a very nice hour or so after the first not so good bit.
I repeat myself constantly as she forgets immediately and I have to literally shout in her ear the whole time.

Living a long life isn't a blessing when you don't have much life

[WeeGranny]

Sending strength and love Gem. It is the cruellest of illnesses and nothing anybody says can make it any easier for the family of the sufferer. You are certainly not heartless or cruel feeling the way you do, but sadly your Mum isn't aware of what is going on in her life nor does she realise the hurt she is causing her loved ones. When OH was being particularly hurtful, I used to just sit in the car after visiting him and let the tears come. I knew he didn't know what he was saying, but it was difficult to accept. The shower room became my place to go to curse and swear and have a good cry!

Enjoy your glass, or two, of wine , and know that she is being well looked after in a safe and caring environment. Take care xx

[Daisy]

Gem, it isn't in any way cruel or heartless to say you wish your mum could have left this life before her condition reached its current stage. That is said from love and caring about her.

Try to focus on the better times, like her two cuddles today with baby E. Sending you hugs. xx

[Nanto2girls]

Gem, not sounding cruel and heartless at all.
It's the illness thats cruel. Cherish the lovely memories you have your mum. X

[Gemini]

You are all so kind and understanding xxxxxx

[Lizzie48]

Gem, it must be very difficult, none of us know what is going to happen as we get older, luckily! I see some people, mostly women, when I visit my friend, it upsets me seeing them like that. I was going to offer to do voluntary work at a care farm near here, that is for the first signs of Alzheimer , I think I may do it, it is for going for walks etc with them and keeping them occupied, my friend was in the growers one not far from here.

[Clover]

I completely understand Gem. I think it’s worse than a physical illness. My DD used to say that my OH just lived in the minute and wouldn’t remember if he’d been upset. As we all know it’s the loved ones that suffer.Sending Hugs.x

[Plantaholic]

It is easy to say don’t let it upset you Gemini. I couldn’t get to see my mother very often when she went into care and the care homes were not as good as they are now. It is upsetting for you to see her so upset and distressed and you can do nothing about it.