Death of x Husband

[Glammanana]

Its been a sad few days with mixed emotions to say the least,my DD had the telephone call to say her biological father had died on Monday evening,now she was not close to him as my Oh has brought her up since she was 18mths old when 1st hubby walked out but he has dropped in and out of her life causing ripples here and there,her father remarried 25 yrs ago and he & the new wife have never been able to have children of their own which has caused bad feeling between wife and my DD when ever my DD has had a new baby,she always wanted to look after any baby we had and would insist on sleepovers so they could bond all these ideas where not agreed to by DD and they saw the children just a few times really.
Dd has now been told she is not welcome at the funeral service and to not make any contact regarding arrangements,the fact that she was not told her father was so ill has really upset her and the message from the wife has caused my maternal instincts to rise to say the least,there looks like there will be an inquest as wife claims his death is due to industrial injury from working with
asbestosis many years ago and she could be due compensation for his death on those grounds, so arrangements are on hold for the minute DD managed to talk to a gentleman at The Coroners office yesterday and finds out that wife has given false information re his working background so that is another major problem as when the records are found re his employment these lies will be exposed so everything is rather a mess to say the least.
My poor girl doesn't know which way to turn she wants to attend the service and I have said I will go with her and we could stand at the back but her reasoning is I am his only child I should be able to stand at the front and should be able to say a few words about my father even though I don't class him as a dad,we now have to wait for Coroners office to ring and tell her more details as the wife will not tell DD any information at all,its all so sad 40yrs on and still bad feeling.I just thank him for the gift of my DD and for 8 yrs of my early married life not perfect in anyway but part of my life anyway.

[Pearl5]

Glam the first few lines of your post are the same as my DD, my OH being there when she was 2, and being her dad, a few weeks ago her dad done something and she said "when he is old and alone I hope he sits and wonders why", but I can see the pain she feels sometimes...

A friend of mine now 47, didn't have a good bond with her bio dad, she used to pick him up in the garden drunk from being a small child, he died a couple of months ago, she said she cried, she didn't think It would effect her the way it did,

Reading your post, I can really understand your maternal instincts kicking in, its not up to his wife to tell DD to stay away, who does she think she is, if your DD wants to go, she should why do people make it so difficult with selfish decisions, If it was my DD and she wanted or needed my support I would go with her, im pleased she is getting her info from the coroner, but it shouldn't be like that....

If it was work related death and asbestosis then she would get quite a bit in compensation, sounds like she has no intention of looking after your DD and GC, so sad........hugs...awful when we see our adult children being treat disrespectfully, doesn't matter how old they are....xx

[Glammanana]

Thanks Pearl for your kind words, I think I will be going with her as she will need the support I have suggested we sit at the back and stay and pay our own respects after the main party has left,she seems in agreement with this .
With regard to the asbestosis without wanting to sound harsh I think she is maybe onto the "gravy train" but that is just my opinion why was it not done before his death as symtoms would have been apparent surely,but that is not my or my DDs business and she doesn't expect anything as a keepsake for herself or the boys from the wife which belonged to her father,just the acknowledgement at the service she was his only child.

[Pearl5]

Glam, not a lot to ask for is it, ..

I don't know your x's wife whether there would be a "scene" if your DD sat at the front, why I don't know but if there wasn't going to be then I would, if there's a possibility then I would sit at the back with her too, then have you own time together, be hard for you too Glam, keeping quiet, xx

[Daisy]

Glamm, I'm so sorry to read your post. There are so many emotions and issues at play and everyone is feeling a sense of loss for what was and what might have been.

For you, there was a time when you were happy with DD's dad - as you say it wasn't perfect, but you had your beautiful DD together and that will always bond you to him to some extent.

Your DD has the biological ties to her birth dad - she is the flesh of his flesh and no matter what happens that can't be changed, and it sounds as though your DD would like that relationship to be acknowledged at his funeral. Your DD is the best testament to his life, which sounds as though it has contained many disappointments. Even though he wasn't able to maintain a day-to-day relationship with her, it was a relationship.

And then there is his wife, now his widow. Who knows what she hoped for when they got married, but it certainly sounds as though she wanted to have a family with him and when that didn't happen, she couldn't handle the fact that he had already had a beautiful little girl. It's a strange fact of human nature, that we often end up 'blaming' an innocent party, in this case it seems she took her disappointment out on your DD. How sad, because she could have had a loving relationship with your daughter, and now she is all alone.

I suspect any approach your DD may make will be met with 'you're only after what you can get' type of comment. Compensation claims for asbestosis and related diseases are lengthy and complex. A friend of mine has been through this and I think it's still ongoing several years later, and the claim had been started when her husband was first diagnosed and he had worked in two industries which have a history of asbestos problems. So if she is falsifying records that will be found out and I suspect the Coroner's report will be scrutinised fully.

I think I would do what you suggested. Go with your daughter to the funeral. It's not unusual for an ex-wife to pay her respects in this way, especially when there are children from the marriage. I would also sit at the back, and the two of you pay your own private respects without getting caught up in his widow's shenanigans. I know your daughter would like public acknowledgement but the people who really matter - you and her - will know. The other people aren't important in her life.

Big hug. xx

[Plantaholic]

Very difficult time for you and your DD Glamm, I agree with Daisy, very sensible advice.

[Oma]

I agree with all Daisy says and she is so right about the last bit You and her will know the other people are not important in her life well said Daisy .
You and your DD will have memories that's what matters and a liar always gets caught out , They will go through all his medical history Dr`s reports etc my late FIL worked down the mines and his claim case went on for about 2-3 yrs ,every minute detail going back to his early 20s medicals were looked at they don't hurry themselves and certainly don't take second hand information into account , telling lies is likely to go against any claim she has . at the end of the day though she has lost her Husband and if she was already a angry unforgiving woman it will be twice as bad now , best let sleeping dogs lie and pay your respects in your own way xxxx

[Qwerty]

I don't have any words of wisdom but you do have some on here. I can tell you when my BIL died of asbestosis while working as an apprentice with the then north eastern gas board and picked it up from fitting gas appliances but I do know his wife received a six figure number sum so she will be protecting her money to come. My step brother was estranged from dad his choice when the arrangements were being organised for the funeral the vicar we had, had said my Step brother had been in touch to ask if he could say a few words the vicar said it was up to me I said yes I couldn't deny him and dreaded what he might say as he was an unpleasant character but it was ok he talked about my dad being in the war and being a good soldier to be honest my dad wouldn't talk about the war he hated it. we got over it and you will too Glam

[Gemini]

Just sending Hugs Glamma, everyone else has very wise words xxx

[Nana]

What a difficult situation. I really hope it gets sorted without too many tears,x

[Clover]

Sending my good wishes and hope that everything works out smoothly.x

[Glammanana]

I just don't know where to turn to-day as we have have news that the wife has suggested that my 4 DGSs (aged 18-24) be Pall Bearers and DD is devistated at the thought,there was only really one of boys who was close to her Father the others where totally indifferent,I think maybe this lady is trying to upset my DD on purpose and manipulate the boys into doing something they are not keen to do.What a mess this is and I am trying so so hard to keep my own council after photo's of DDs father where posted by hand through her front door whilst she was at work with no message or information just 2 x photos they look to have been taken in the early 70s so we would have still been married then I just don't understand the logic.I'm off to work to-day so will be back later to-day. x glamma x

[Plantaholic]

What a strange lady, can't understand her. Would your DD like her brothers to help carry her father's coffin?

[Glammanana]

My DD was his only child Plant,my boys are from my second marriage to the wonderful man he has been an absolute rock to my DD these past few days as he always has been,he thinks maybe the lady who brought the photograph wasn't aware of the bad feeling between the wife and my DD.I am just wishing things where over and done with and we can get back to normal,I'm affraid my DD will only take so much then she will explode
and I don't want that to happen but there is only so much pressure a person can take.Plant I hope things went well with your son to-day xx

[WeeGranny]

What a strange situation for you and your DD Glamma. I was going to suggest that maybe the wife/widow didn't want people to know the her OH had a daughter from a previous marriage, but the comment about wanting the GS to be pall bearers puts paid to that idea. Could you or OH talk to her, or someone close to her, and find out what she really wants?