Alzheimer's

[Grauntie Mag]

Today we had an afternoon tea party for the retired members of our Tangent club. It is a most enjoyable event as some ladies don't see each other very often due to health and mobility reasons.
One particular member is close to my heart as our husbands were business partners, and from being a highly intelligent woman with a photographic memory she is now in the grip of Alzheimer's.
sadly she ended the afternoon in tears having misunderstood a remark from another lady.
When her husband collected her he told me he has to deal with this kind of behaviour at least twice a day! I honestly hadn't realised things were so bad for him. Others have offered to 'visit' so he can go out but he doesn't like to leave her. Any suggestions on how we can help would be greatly appreciated.

[Gemini]

Very sad indeed GM

My mums oldest friend had Alzheimer's, and I know mum found is very upsetting visiting her towards the end of her life.
I don't have direct experience or advice, but I'm sure others will.

[Mimi]

OH had the harrowing experience of watching his brother succumb to this horrible condition. Although his decline was rapid he died of a heart attack so the family was spared years of watching him suffer.
The only thing I can offer is the advice he was given when talking to his brother. Don't 'play along ' with him when he mistakes you for someone else. Be sure to tell him who you are, but in a calm friendly way.
He used to have hallucinations and OH and his one sister used to try and calm he down by telling him there wasn't anything there but OHs other sister used to play along with him which made the situation so much worse as he got very agitated and distressed.

[Oma]

It's a very sad situation isn't it , my neighbour died 18 month ago he was only 58 and it came on rapidly for him within 3 month of diagnosis he was in a home because he became violent with frustration and his poor wife was afraid of him , 2 weeks later he had a heart attack and died , the only experience I have is the early stages , my mother started to show signs before she died and my FIL became very confused and was convinced my 80 yr old MIL was having a affair with the very young man over the road , at one point he had a huge carving knife by the bed as he said she was sneeking down during the night to let this man in , Brian and his brother had to go over and take all the sharp knives out of the house , we were afraid he would get so confused he would stab MIL , I'm sure there will be other ladies who can give wise advice xxx

[Nanto2girls]

I don't have any experience of Alzheimer's, so can't really offer any help or advice.
Must feel very sad GM,to see your friend like this.

[Grauntie Mag]

Thank you for your input ladies. I have decided to email the husband and ask what he thinks we can do. We had a shared love of poetry, I just wonder if this might help. Anything is worth a try. Mimi I will take your advice.
It is so easy to walk away, but there by the grace of God go all of us!

[Clover]

Ladies I know you'll understand if I avoid this thread.

[Grauntie Mag]

I'm so sorry if I have offended you Clover.

[Gemini]

GM, I know Clover won't be offended. This topic is just too close to home for her to take part in.

Once, on the last forum, a member kept updating us about a family member in her last days with cancer. I couldn't take part , it was too close to home for me at that time.

Your topic is fine GM, and I'm sure Clover will avoid it .

[Grauntie Mag]

Much appreciated Gem. Thanks.

[Daisy]

GM - I read somewhere recently that talking about 'the old days' is helpful because the long term memory is often better than the short term one. If you have known her a long time you will have plenty of stories about her past to draw on.

Clover - I really understand how you feel and and send you a big hug. xx

[Shemadee]

Perhaps if you visit a few times when her OH is there and it works well, her OH may feel he can leave you to keep her company.

[Grauntie Mag]

So far, so good! A good friend who was also at the tea party was as upset as me so we decided to invite the friend with Alzheimer's to tea at my house. In conversation, I told the Chairman of our club what we were doing and she suggested we get a rota going, to be circulated at our next meeting. I emailed the husband who was greatly in favour and he decided how many people at a time, how often and for how long. The rota has 20 names already.
We had our 'tea' a few weeks ago and it was most enjoyable. Just the three of us here for a couple of hours. The husband was able to do a few jobs he can't do when she is around. The next tea is this week, so here's hoping it goes as well.

[Gemini]

What an excellent idea GM I'm so glad it went well!

[Nana]

GM what wonderful friends you are. There is conflict of ideas re going along with the person who mistakes someone's identity. I went along with the one that I thought would cause least distress for mum. It wasn't all gloom. She once rang me to say there were about 12 people who had all stayed for lunch & she couldn't get them to leave. It ended up where I was shouting down the fone for them all to get the heck out of there. We laughed about it later. (Mum had carers who went in to get mum's meals so it was all in her mind). She did however in her past have this number of family regularly to cook for.

Is your friend having help from Social Services? The Alzheimer's Society is a brilliant organization where you can get all the information he needs.