Temper tantrums from a grandchild.

[Gemini]

How do you deal with them??

My 3 year old grandson has the most amazing temper tantrums. Loud noisy, and can quickly escalate out of control.
He is a sweet, normally gentle, bright and funny little boy. DD lost a baby prior to his birth and totally adores and dotes on this child. He is the prince of his world, everything revolves around him and his wishes.
When something doesn't coincide with his wishes he is grumpy and defiant. Often it is a minor occurence, and can be managed by ignoring it, or jollying him out of it.
Other times are much worse, and he has several times hit or bitten his mother.
His parents are extremely gentle, very understanding, very lenient with him.
They don't condone his behaviour, always talk it through with him afterwards and he is sorry, but next time he s thwarted, off he goes again.

I know I take him out far less than I did his cousin at the same age. My OH was still working then, and GD and I went all over together. With GS, as I can't be sure how he will behave, we stay in a lot more.
Yesterday we took him to the railway museum, somewhere he loves and is familiar with, as his parents take him regularly.
All went well, apart from him wandering off a couple of times, something he does. We all had a nice afternoon, unil he decided he was going on the little train which takes you for a ride round. He had done lots of things, had never mentioned going on this train while playing in the outdoor area near it, and now we were all cold as we had been outside for some time. He took himself off to the train without asking or checking we were following. I said not today, it was cold, we had more things to do inside, and planned to take him to the cafe. I said we had no money today. It was £2.50 for each of us for a very short ride.
To cut a long story short, the screaming, rolling on the floor and sheer refusal to leave had to be seen to be believed. People must have thought we were murdering him. I am genuinely surprised no one came up,to challenge us. He is big and strong. We could only carry him a short way kicking and screaming. When put down he wanted to run back outside. It was a nghtmare. He told us to 'go back to grandmas house and leave me here!!!'
He was a complete beast. I could only manage it by letting him go but keeping an eye on him. Eventually when I saw he had calmed somewhat I nonchalantly wandered in his direction nibbling a biscuit, which caught his attention. I said if he wanted one (-it was for him) he was to come with me. All smiles, he came. We sat on a bench and I asked him if he had anything to say to us, and he said sorry. I wanted him back in the car, so promised the second biscuit and his drink once safely in the car seat.
No cafe, visit cut short, he spoiled it for himself. If he was an adult you would suggest anger management. DD has incidents like this often. She's tiny, how she manages him when out alone I don't know.
After 3 children of my own, a granddaughter and over 20 years working with young children I have rarely seen anything like this.
I won't be taking him out for some time.

[Grauntie Mag]

What a shame, Gem. A nice day spoiled. I can see why you hesitate to take him far. Maybe he'll grow out of it soon.
A thought. Does he go to playgroup? If so, does he have tantrums there or does he save it for family only?

[Gemini]

GM, we truly hope he grows out of it! ! Apparently his father had quite a temper as a small boy. His mum was always very even tempered.
He goes to nursery 2 days, where he has been since he was about 18 months. DD gave up work year ago, to be with him more. I heartily approved of this, but now I feel it has made matters worse !
I haven't heard any reports of him behaving like this at nursery, and he can be very sociable and play co operatively.

[Plantaholic]

My youngest two GS had dreadful tempers if denied anything and if they were sent to their rooms it sounded as if they were breaking things up. When we were at Lands End, youngest one was playing in the playground and was not being nice to other children using the equipment so he was fetched off and we continued to walk to the furthest point and again he misbehaved and DIL said that he was going back to the car with DS, like you Gem he screamed but no one challenged us (I went with my son). DS had him on his shoulders, he pulled his hair, spat at him and we had to bundle him into the car. DD duly arrived with other GS and we drove home. I could have had words with DIL as after all that she got him out of the car and gave him a cuddle. Lips zipped. I know it is worrying for you now, perhaps you should amuse him at home instead of giving him treats until he stops these tantrums, which he will. I do sympathize, you are such a gentle person and he knows that. How old is he?

[Gemini]

Thanks Plant, it does help to hear of other children who have come out of the other side intact! !
I will be amusing him at home for some time now. A shame as there are lots of places I would like to take him when the warmer weather comes.
He was 3 last October.

[Nanto2girls]

Hope it's just a phase he is going through, and hopefully it will pass. Such a shame that you don't feel like taking him out anywhere.

[Clover]

That is a shame Gem. He certainly sounds a determined little boy.It doesn't really help the situation but I heard somewhere that when the little ones get in such a state they frighten themselves which escalates the tantrum.Doesn't help in dealing with it though. Well done on standing firm with him though it must have been hard.

[Libra Gran]

He's just a little boy, and at 3 its fairly impossible to have self control. Of course it's not acceptable but little one's dont know how to manage their emotions, this occurs from 4 onwards.Have you tried talking to him before a planned outing, outlining what behaviour you expect, for example E if you don't behave we will go straight home, no treats, no TV time and you will go on a time out. Or if your a really good boy for Grandma, when we go home you can have / do A, B, C. Whatever his favourite thing to do with you is. It will pass and it's never any good to compare children, your lovely Granddaughter is more gentle and compliant, E clearly isn't. As difficult as it is, try not to give attention when he's having a tantrum as your playing right into his hands, just sit within eye line, ignore and let it burn itself out. Don't worry what people think, whose to say they haven't been in the self same situation.

[Oma]

Gem firstly people won't challenge you as they most likely had the same experience with there own , Boys tantrums are so much different to girls , Girls scream a lot through themselves down and kick there feet , Boys on the other hand I find are quite violent and you just can't hold them , My DS was the child of the Devil there were times I wanted to call social services to take him away he truly was a monster then he hit 5 and became the most loving child so laid back and still is nothing fires his temper up now . The only way we found to deal with his tantrums was to leave him screaming on the floor and stand by till he calmed down , very embarrassing at the time but I never let them go unpunished once he had calmed down he was taken straight back to the car and home and he didn't get any treats that day or TV , A warning before you go out like if you do that we won't go such and such but straight home may help but at 3 they forget their promise so quickly , My DS was a angel at play school or when we went to anyone's home so nobody believed how bad he could be till the health visitor called one day and he kicked off in front of her , within days he had a full time nursery place instead of half days , she herself said he needed it and for my health sake so I sympathise I know what it's like , One other thing never give in to him as once you do that's it he has you by the throat and will think all he has to do is act up and he's won 😀

[Shemadee]

DD1 was very calm and easy going even when her friends were having meltdowns all around us. All this of course was down to my excellent parenting skills - or so I thought until DS1 arrived on the scene! When DS had almighty meltdowns though he wasn't aggressive towards us or others but would throw himself around and make an awful lot of noise usually in public places. He did wreck his room once but didn't do it a second time as I sent him back to tidy it all up! DD2 had her moments as well but both outgrew their tantrums between about 4-5 years. GS2 also had a lot more meltdowns than his big brother but has calmed down now. His determination still comes through but now in a positive way - if you ask him to do a job he really sees it through with great thoroughness - more so than GS1 who gets bored and wanders off. It will all work out in the end but is very tough going at the time.

[Daisy]

Gem - Lots of sympathy from me, and tons of good advice already. It looks as though we've all been through 'boy' tantrums in our day. It's usually something random/insignificant that sets them off, and they really haven't learned to handle these strong emotions at that age. It's been one of the ongoing issues with our ASD grandson. When he has a total meltdown I try to get him to somewhere quiet and safe and sit with him until he calms down. Sometimes that's not possible, and you just have to ride the storm.

I know your GS is vegetarian and I'm sure he has a very healthy diet, but is there any connection between his tantrums and having had a sugar rush? Some children are more sensitive to refined sugar and E numbers than others.
Don't worry about other people - they will recognise your GS's tantrum for what it is, and just be thankful that it's not their small child who is kicking and screaming on the floor that day. He will grow out of it.

[Pearl5]

Gemini, our 3yr old GS is the same the most loving of boys, but the word NO, just throws him into a horror to put it politly, if he is playing with his cars they get thrown around, he screams, then cries his eyes out, you can see pure frustration, he has started to bite his mam, no one else just her, she is quite soft and timid, but i have noticed, she has a stern voice with him now, and he knows but he breaks down crying, he doesn't like the word "no" or getting a telling off, he goes to nursery and she recently had a "parents evening" well think its something else now, and they said how polite, helpful and well behaved he is, she did ask them were they on about her child... but it does spoil your day and everyone else's when they behave like this......DD has getting rid of his buggy now he walks everywhere, she said he is good, i had him a few days ago, and it was a nightmare, i don't know if its a granny thing now, but my heart was in my mouth all the time, he had me so nervous, i lost him in Tesco's just for a second but he jumped from behind me shouting booo, that was it straight on the bus home, i couldn't cope, T was the same, still has his moments pushing his luck but so loving, hopefully just a stage he is going through,

[Plantaholic]

Sounds like it is very much like a boy thing

[Daisy]

Pearl - I remember the 'heart in mouth' moments with our GSs at that age! They disappear in a flash, and it's not always easy to keep you eye on them in a crowd when they're so small. It's a good idea to take a photo of them on your phone every time you go out, then if he does disappear it's easier to get help - "I'm looking for this little boy" is better than saying you're looking for a 3 year old in a blue coat or whatever.

GD2 is only just 2, but she wants to walk everywhere, but thankfully she is quite happy to use reins. Yesterday we were chatting as we walked their dog, and I said it was a cold wind and she instantly put her hands in her pockets and wouldn't take them out, but I hung on to the reins and she was quite happy with that. I don't think I would want to take her out so much if she wasn't on the reins.

[Gemini]

Thank you very much for your input everyone.

Libra, we do prepare and warn him about behaviour and consequences before he goes out. Sometimes it works, other times he agrees with it all, but it seems to go out of the window once he is out!

I don't think the sugar rush thing explains it Daisy, well not often anyway. He had a healthy lunch of cheese sandwiches, cucumber and carrot sticks, and fruit at ours, followed by a very small slice of his mummys birthday cake. This was a couple of hours before the incident. His snack in the car on the way to the railway museum was breadsticks, and he only drinks water. I know sugar can be a trigger though!
I wish he was on reins!!

Oma, when we got home that day I said no TV. He usually watches some while I prepare his tea as he likes the CBeebies programmes on at that time. He didn't argue at all, so he totally understood why and presumably felt it was reasonable!

Shem, we all hope, as with yours, that the positive sides of my grandsons determination and refusal to be swayed will come in useful to him one day!!

Pearl, hopefully both our grandsons will grow out of this!

A boy thing indeed Plant (although I have read about girls having awful tantrums!) And I am expecting another grandson soon

DD texted me that night to say when talking over the day at bedtime as they always do, he said it was good when he went to the RM with us, but bad when he ran away and was naughty. DD said he looked so sad.
It is a good sign that he has regrets and knows when he has been naughty. The real worry is when children don't know, or care, when they are!