Is It A Boy Thing?

[Bizzy Lizzy]

We went through this with our own children and when they finally settled and seemed to have stable jobs etc. we breathed a big sigh of relief and then - lo and behold - we start all over again with the grandchildren. GS used to spend time with us on his own and in those days was very chatty indeed but since GD came along they have always come to us together. DiL always insists on it as I think she feels we favour him more than her. I know they say that school changes them and we know it does, he is not the same child at ten that he was at five. He does talk to me at times and even tells me things which he says not to tell his parents which can be awkward but if it is nothing too worrying or serious I try to keep small confidences. His Father went up a few blind alleys before he found what he wanted to do - he dropped out of Uni having gone there to do English and RE and finally went into IT which he is brilliant at and which he seems to enjoy. DS1 got a degree in Computer Science having previously dropped our of Medical School. Neither of them were straightforward so no reason to expect anything else I suppose. A level headed friend said to me quite a few years ago that we should be grateful that our kids have not ended up on drugs or in jail. Be grateful for small mercies it could always be so much worse. This will not however stop be caring/worrying about GS who, I suspect, being our first grandchild we do favour a little.

[Daisy]

BL - it isn't necessarily 'favouring' one child over another to give space and time to the quieter, less prominent child. My GS2 through circumstances which are nobody's fault has always had to take a slightly back seat to his older brother, and tends to 'opt out' unless you actively engage him in a one-to-one situation which appeals to him. Last week-end, I can't remember how we got on to the topic but I taught him 'There's a hole in my bucket, dear Lisa, dear Lisa". He worked out the punch line long before we got to it, and cuddled up on a big comfy armchair he was totally relaxed and happy. He thrives on the on-to-one attention, and I try to give it to him whenever I can. Sadly they don't live nearby so we haven't got that day-to-day contact.

[Bizzy Lizzy]

You are absolutely right Daisy and I know someone that insists on having her two grandsons SEPARATELY whenever she can to give each one some individual attention which they can never get at home. My DiL would never stand for this though. We all have to dance to her tune. She knows we would love to have GS on his own for a few hours which, I am sure, is why she forbids it. Never mind that he would benefit! When they went away for a long weekend GD was happy to go to other G Parents and GS wanted to come to us. This would have been a perfect arrangement but no she insisted we take both children for half of the weekend and then drop them off with other G Parents when our time was up.

[Daisy]

BL - that's such a shame. It sounds as though your DIL isn't thinking clearly about what might be best for either of her children. All children love one-to-one attention from the adults they love and it's petty of her to deny them this. I'm sure your GD would benefit/enjoy it just as much. But, as we all say so often, we have to bite our tongues and just do what we can quietly in the background.

[Bizzy Lizzy]

Yes Daisy I know both would love some one to one time but DiL's dislike of us is more powerful than what the children might like - sadly. We managed to get along in a very superficial way but I have walked on eggshells for so long now it has become routine. I am always terrified of saying/doing the wrong thing. They have been married over ten years and together for nearly 14 and I still know almost nothing about my DiL really. No depth of relationship - in fact no relationship at all.

[Daisy]

BL - that's so sad. Unfortunately one thing we can't do for our own children is chose their life partners for them - much as we might wish we could! You've done very well to keep things on an even keel and you must be an expert at tiptoeing gently round DIL.

[Bizzy Lizzy]

Daisy I have to content myself with knowing that they seem happy together and have not split up like so many couples of their age seem to do. So if they are creating a stable home for my grandchildren that is the most important thing and what she thinks about us comes second by a long way. I would have loved a DiL I could be close to who would include us in her life but it is not to be. The one that is affectionate and kind is in NZ. Irony.

[Daisy]

BL - you are a very wise lady! We can wish for the moon, but things are rarely perfect and you are making the most of the situation and being thankful for the important things. I hope I would be as generous of spirit if I were in the same boat. xx

[Guest]

Just caught up with this. I certainly think that the ghastly environment which now obtains in many schools is particularly unsuited to most boys and many girls. They need much more freedom, lots of physical activity and the chance to pursue their own interests which is what used to happen until those dreadful SATs appeared on the scene.

It's also the case that if there is a grammar school the other ones are not comprehensives but secondary moderns. A comprehensive school takes children of all abilities and they have the chance to move around the school depending on how they function.

Having said that, I don't think nagging / persuasion / bribery or anything else will work. He'll probably do what he wants to do and the key is to tap into an interest and encourage him to pursue this for its own sake. It might be music or sport or the Scouts or sailing or whatever, but with many young people finding something which they work at for its own sake is the key.

And when all said and done men still earn 27% more money than women despite doing worse at school! So there's a lesson!